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June 28, 2017 at 3:34 pm

sigh. okay. Let me tell you what I am like in order to get the picture. I’m very academically ambitious. I only expect and want the best for myself, sometimes it makes me miserable and makes me wonder why I give a fuck when others don’t and they seem to be having the time of their lives. In actuality I’m only achieving the bare minimum. But I myself have to keep going, I have to reach for the stars. But for what? Why? So you’d expect me to meet the expectations of that kind of person. No, I ended my first year with just a 3.0; I just finished freshman year. Big deal. I still have big dreams and am beating myself wrecklessly for it. Well they even come true? Life takes us to many places. Well…Not because I’m lazy, I’m just not a robot unlike my friends who could have a mental breakdown the entire night but still turn in their assignments with impeccable effort.  Anyway. I have this terrible habit of downspiraling in summer break, and don’t go outside, and not even leave my room for weeks. As someone who has the house to themselves for most of the day, you’d think I’d have freedom, which I do, but not options. Big fucking deal. I wanted to prevent this and just be productive. I wanted to attend a Columbia college course. Creative writing. And its taken me through so many fucking obstacles just o get it in. First it was the money; $80. Then, it was my GPA. When everything was settled, the fucking credit card was lost. I swear to you, this whole ordeal has been a joke. Once the card was found, I needed the transcript and recommendations. All these things have delayed so much, and has carried into my summer break. I withdrew the appication. I dont know why. Now, there’s no refund. No $80 refund. I’m so fucking stupid, you could get a chuckle out of it. It’s true, all colleges really are just money sucking leeches, and they put up these banners of being poc & lgbt friendly just because it’s the trending topic and will reel anyone in. I’ve done my research, I think. I’m such a brat. I’m such a god damn brat. I’m sorry. You don’t know how this makes me feel. Its not the end of the world, I dont know why I’m so stubborn with myself when I just keep hurting myself. Maybe I’m trying to compensate for something. Insecurities? Low self esteem? Tryna cover it up with academic success? Probably. In my head without it I’m nothing. Because its the only thing Ive got. Not looks, talents? Maybe. One of my friends could still get a B+ on their math final while not caring much for their academic life, while I have to make index cards only for them to go to waste because I got a 62. Because her intelligence is already engrained in her. She can be a total pothead and still be smarter than me, she doesn’t need school. I know I’m just a shepard in the grand scheme of things; following the ol’ college route, student loans, and retirement. I know I can just take another fucking college course next summer, or look for one now. God. What am I doing. It’s been five days of summer vacation and I still can’t relax, I’ve made lists of things I should do to keep me busy. I’m obsessive, and delusional. I just want it all to stop. Good lord. I know what I sound like, and I know what you’re probably thinking. “She’s only 15 and already torturing herself over this? What a fucking twerp.” I wish I could just be a kid, and not think so much. I feel like I sound like the equivalent to a kid whos slitting their wrists over a B in their A+ streak. Yep. I’m sorry. I just need to be in the company of my friends more, because today is especially lonely.

July 7, 2017 at 6:59 pm

Your issue may not be an issue anymore. But I must say I cannot imagine being 15 (or a teen in general) in the now. It may make you feel like I’m just being nice but keep it up. Seriously, if your really 15 (cuz I don’t actually know), then just having plans is quite the accomplishment. Means your future oriented. Where I am, this is not standard of a teenager.

The good old college route is questionable. I swore I was stuck in some vortex of classes never actually achieving anything except debt and ok grades. gosh reading what you wrote resonated to my old self and my new.

Some people test well but have poor performance. Remember that. My partner is also a pothead, he did poorly in school but speaking with him leaves people feeling like they just made contact with a genius. When I was studying my ass off, over 8hrs a day sometimes he’d spend time with me the only way he could-if I was taking a practice test he would take it with me just to spend time…problem was he didn’t attend the classes, didn’t read the material, but he was getting the questions right where I was getting them wrong. How does that even work? I still struggle with that. Also there’s always going then be the person who sleeps in class but has an A.

when you work hard you expect results. Few things are worse on the confidence then putting the effort and falling shorter than expected. But keep on.

here is a link https://youtu.be/-wcn2EbOIbQ

Now it’s hella long, I haven’t even listened beyond 10 min. The robot reading voice is also kinda weird but there is truth in the video.

The 10 minutes I absorbed are summed up like this. Nearly all successful people are self disciplined but not all successful people are smart. And the self discipline isn’t the dreadful hard work and deprevation…this video identifies it as passion and emergence in what you enjoy.

sorry you don’t get refunded your 80$.

Hope I wasn’t preachy. I am not a know it all, I know very few things but I think I know those few things well enough to share. Hope it helps even in the future.