So first, I should say that I have anxiety. Not severe, but bad enough to hinder me and give me the occasional panic attack. I overthink things a lot and I have repetitive negative thoughts that I can’t seem to get rid of. I’ve never considered suicide and self-harming terrifies me.
I have a “friend” who pisses me off more than anyone else. He’s an absolute douchebag and a snake and I hate it. Whenever he finds out personal information about me he’ll almost always use it against me or just a be an asshole about it. For example, when he found out about my anxiety he said, “Just control it. I did. It’s easy.” Fucker if I knew how to control it don’t you think I would have by now? He always acts like he’s better than me and he’s a total know-it-all. He can never admit when he’s wrong and he always blames his mistakes on other people. He doesn’t understand what people are going through and yet he acts like he knows everything in the world. He once told one of my friends with depression that they never listened to his problems and that they were basically just dragging him down. Yeah, way to be supportive, asshat.
But none of this would even matter to me if not for the fact that he’s involved in a fucked up love triangle with me.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. Who he DOES have a crush on is my girlfriend. Yep. Before I started dating her (I should also mention we’ve been going out for 3 months now) he was in a relationship with her for exactly 1 week. She realized what an absolute dickhead he was and dumped him. He was of course a whiny baby about this even though it was completely HIS FAULT that he got dumped. Also of course, he’s still not over her. And I just recently found out that she is, miraculously, not completely over him.
There was a period of time during the second month we were dating that my anxiety peaked. I was constantly worrying about her and myself and our relationship and I cried almost every night about it. Me, being a person of poor judgement and high impulsiveness, vented to her about this stuff a LOT. I would purposefully say things to guilt her and I don’t even remember why. Attention, probably, because my anxiety told me I wasn’t getting enough of it and that I was going to fade into irrelevance to her. But that obviously made her feel terrible. She already deals with both depression and anxiety. I still feel shitty for doing all that to her. I’ve made her self-harm on numerous occasions. It’s good now, don’t worry. We worked things out and we make each other happy again. But during that period, she didn’t know what to feel about me. I wasn’t the same person she fell in love with. She turned to the douchefriend and saw change in him. That “change” is a complete facade he puts up around her and he really hasn’t changed in the slightest. No, scratch that, he’s actually picked up guilt tripping.
I’ve told her about this. I’ve told her that he hasn’t changed at all. That the way he acts around her is totally different from the way he acts around everyone else. And she just, quite simply, has a hard time believing it.
It doesn’t help that 90% of my girlfriend’s friends think I’m a manipulative asshole and that I’m going to use her. They tell her that all the time. Even her best friend hates me and has told her to break up with me multiple times. She hasn’t though, and I doubt she will. That’s what I love about her. She knows how to make decisions for herself and she knows how to do what’s in her best interest. Still though, having all these people that I want to be friends with hating me doesn’t make me feel very good about myself.
But I digress. She still has feelings for this ass of a guy and I don’t know what to do about it. Ever since he found out that she still has feelings for him he’s been even more of a dick to me. Bringing up past mistakes, calling me out on everything I do, always acting like he’s better than me and that he’d be a far better boyfriend to my girlfriend. And my girlfriend can’t see any of this in him.
I think that’s all I wanted to say. I’m keeping hope that my girlfriend won’t leave me for him. But anxiety’s a bitch and my brain keeps telling me that she will. I don’t talk to her about this because I don’t want to make her feel bad. If I tell her all of this she’ll think she’s just a worthless indecisive piece of garbage that can’t do anything right. And I hate, HATE making her feel like that. Which is why I came here to vent in the first place.
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