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October 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I remember the first time I was truly hurt was when my favorite uncle got a serious girlfriend and I felt replaced. My dad wasn't around much when I was little because of work, so my uncle kind of took over the roll. From as long as I can remember he was always there to make me laugh and spend time with me. We would go to the park and he would spend one on one time with me which I enjoyed with all my heart. Once he got a girlfriend he sort of distanced himself. Shortly after that they had a daughter and before I knew it, he didn't have time for me anymore. He stopped coming around so much and I've been upset about it from about the ages of 4 – present (though not nearly as hurt as I was when I was a little girl) Whenever I tried to talk to my mom about how hurt I was, she kind of blew me off and defended her brother. I don't really talk to him anymore. I got into trouble in the next years with drugs, boys, and alcohol, this problem didn't seem as bad. 

I have had trouble for the past couple years and I would usually distract myself with boys or alcohol. I was almost raped at the age of 13 by someone I considered a friend. By the time I was 14 I ended up in a similar situation, but this time I was actually raped. It took me a while to come to terms with what happened at first I saw it as me putting myself in bad situations so I deserved it. The boy ripped my shorts off (literally) and I was screaming (we were in his room with one of his friends there watching) and I knew other people were in the house but no one came to see what was going on. 

I told the doctor that I had sex one time the next time I had a visit, after she promised me confidentiality. She then went back on her words and said since I was under the age of consent, both my parents and the police had to be notified. The police came to my door but I didn't say much. My mom was devastated she could not stop crying. That was the first time I had seen so much sadness in my mom's eyes.

The next year I began as a freshman in High School. I met a new guy that swept me off my feet. I was 14 and he was 18. After a couple months he started to become abusive mentally and physically. I didn't tell anyone except my best friend, and even with her I didn't go into detail. That relationship went on for 3 years. He was the first guy that got me a lot of drinks and it helped me cope with the pain. It eventually got worse when I would black out (or even if I didn't) he would tell me all the things I “did” and how I was such a whore etc. but whenever I would black out with my friends around, they always would tell me that I did nothing of the sort.

I had it pretty bad for those three years but I accepted it because I didn't know any better. One time I was being pinned on the ground and he was pulling my hair and choking me I tried screaming and pounding on the wall where his brother was in the next room, but again, no response. I was emotionally abused multiple times a week and physically abused once or twice a week. 

The last straw for me was when he moved another girlfriend into his room with her 2 year old son. After that I left him and after that he tried to use his mind manipulation to get me back. Things didn't change and our final breakup was an explosion. 

I started dating a new guy a couple months after that and he was 25, and I was then, 17. It didn't take long for him to become physically abusive either but it was worse than the first guy. The reason the abuse escalated so quickly was because not a day went by that we didn't drink. My hair would be matted when I went to school and I always lied and disobeyed my parents. On my 18th birthday, we went to the club and he ended up beating on me after we left because I “enjoyed other guys checking me out” After that I pretty much ended it with him.

I was going to go off to college the next fall, so I figured things would get better then. Well I am in college now, and I keep getting flashbacks from the past. I never told my mom what was going on because I remember how bad I felt when she found out I wasn't a virgin anymore I never wanted to cause that pain to her ever again. 

Now I am 18 and in college and I have been drinking a lot and blacking out which I know is no good that's what made me decided I need to figure my life out. Whenever there is alcohol available, I don't stop drinking. I always feel like shit the next day like I did something sexual even when my roommates tell me I didn't. I hate blacking out. I now stopped drinking alcohol as a way to cope with my problems rather than drink them away. 

I talked to my mom today and I finally told her how messed up my life was and I wanted to come home. I feel like a failure for leaving a university, but I feel like I need to figure out my life before I take on more of a challenge. I don't feel welcome anywhere I go and I don't feel accepted either. 

There is way more sadness and heartbreak in my life but they are mostly along those lines those are the ones that get to me the most. I don't know if anyone can give me any advice, but I just had to get it off my chest.