Author Posts

July 31, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I don't know how to deal with my life anymore. The one person I can actually talk to and be myself has left and I don't know what to do. First of all, I haven't been too great with guys. My first real relationship was good alright for some part but most of the time I was faking my happiness because he was so serious about the relationship and I was too scared to break his heart but I had to in the end because he knew I didn't really mean it when I said I loved him. So I was hung up on this other guy and I was completely into him even though I'm pretty everyone else could tell he didn't like me the same. After awhile I realized that all he ever wanted to talk about was sex. And also there was this other guy that was a total player and we kissed but in the end all he wanted was sex also, but he wasn't that big of a deal. But I had one person to talk to and give me advice and that just so happened to be my best friends huge crush that supposedly “broke her heart”, which actually wasn't true, because she actually broke his as I can tell. Anyway, so we started talking over summer and we grew to like each other. We finally admitted it to each other and I thought we were all happy and good because he was saying the most wonderful things and I wanted to believe it was too good to be true and but I didn't. We had planned to tell my best friend in the beginning of the school year and I was fine that. We were still good for awhile after that until the other night. He told me about his past from jumping around from girl to girl and I knew he had changed and had wanted to change so I honestly didn't care. Then the next day we were fine and then we started talking about sexual things you could say and then out of no where he said that that was the exact thing he was afraid that would happen and he told me goodbye. I didn't understand and now the guy I was falling for has just completely broken my heart and I can't take it. Him doing that brought me to the edge of everything. I already suffered from depression before and he was the one that was actually helping but this just put me overboard. I can't take it. I cry all the time and I can't tell my parents cause my mom makes fun of my dad because he's so dramatic with everything and she just would find it stupid and funny and my dad would be so overwhelmed with it and so dramatic and I can't put any of them through that. I just happen to be very good at hiding things, especially pain, but I don't know what's going to happen if I hold it in any longer. I can't cut because people would easily notice and suicide isn't an option even though I've really thought about it. I have no one to talk to and I'm just so unhappy with everything. My body. My face. Just how short and ugly I am. The fact that I can't do anything right. And I KNOW no one is true to me. I know even my best friend would talk behind my back. I can't talk to anyone and I'm just stuck with my own terrible thoughts running through my mind. I want help but I can't get it.