I just got out of a short and intense relationship with a man that I thought I knew, that loved me, that I loved, and that I could be with for the rest of my life. We started making all sorts of plans, like our wedding, and kids, and vacations. Recently, he dumped me and has become a whole new person in what I believe to be the course of a month. Now, instead of “I love you forever” and calling me by his last name, he says he finds me extremely annoying and that he isn't interested in a future with me. No matter how bad this guy treats me, I love him. I can't stop or help myself. When I'm not with him, I want to be, and when I am with him, I just want to be in his arms. I am trying, just so he'll still be a part of my life, to stay friends. I thought this was the best idea, since I still want him around and I considered him to be my best, and pretty much only, friend. Now, I am thinking of the future, and if I am not the one he wants, then, as his friend, I am going to have to watch him find the one and go one dates to do so. The thought of it makes me cry and I even have nightmares about him coming to a party with me, as my friend, and him taking off with a girl, usually a friend of mine, and I wake up crying. I know I am killing myself and I should just move on, but I really feel like there is something between us, and even if he can't feel it, it is killling me. I dunno what to do or think. I don't know how to go on the same. I know he isn't right for me since the way he's treated me, but it is killing me to admit that and just cut ties. Somedays, I wake up, see how little I have, and wonder why I want to keep waking up. Honestly, a couple of times, I have thought about not being here anymore, because the rest of my life is a bit of a shambles right now as well, but he would only feel like that sort of thing was because of him, and my family/friends would think the same, so I don't go down that road, but that's the only reason why. I have already begun to seek counseling, because I know my outlook is wrong, but I just had to talk to someone, and as time goes on, it feels like I have less and less people who care. Or at least, less people I want to burden or annoy with my love for a person who family and friends have told me does not deserve me. I feel like I must be damaged goods. I'm 25 and I can't stay in a healthy relationship. I feel like people who are good and normal don't stay alone for this long. Granted, I have been in several long term relationships since I was 17 (like 3+ years for 2 relationships), but they were wrong for me and both relationships were unhealthy. Even with that excuse of where all my time went, I feel like that can't be the only reason I'm still alone. I try so hard, I love so much, and maybe that's wrong, but that's who I am. I just keep getting fooled and I'm still so gullible. I want to believe in a happy ending. That after all of the hardships and tragedies that have polluted my life, someone could walk in and love me, wipe all of the horrible things that have happened to me away, and start new, but I know that's never gonna happen. Fairytales are only in movies, and I'm not a princess. Everyone tells me I need to look inside myself and not for someone else, but all I've wanted, my entire life, is someone who would just love me for me, and wouldn't abandon me. It seems like the people who stay and say they love me, have no real concept of love, and the ones who seemed to know how to love me, refused by just walking out of my life, my mother included. I am at a loss, and I just don't want to cry about this anymore. I want to be his friend, so much, but I know I can't take all that being in the friendzone entails, so I think I have to give up. I feel like it's a catch 22. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't… But either way, I'm damned.
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