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December 5, 2010 at 8:33 am

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I just do not have anyone to talk to about this and I'm hoping I will feel better if I can get it off my chest and maybe figure out what to do.

I am 34 and married for 5 years, with no children. I have been unhappy in my marriage for about 1-2 years, but I am stuck and don't know what to do. I am a college student and during a trip I slept with my professor (who himself is married for 15 years). The thing is, I really like my professor and I do some side work for him (which is how I was able to get to know him better). Even before this happened I had what you could call a “professor crush” on him. When my crush began to develop, I did not know he was married (but I did know that he had a son), and by the time I found out he was married, it was too late for me because my crush turned to a very strong like with very strong feelings for him. During the trip I do not think that I did anything inappropriate (ie, flirting) but somehow we ended up making out, which of course led to sex. Ever since the trip, I still work for him and when I do we seem to not be able to keep our hands off of each other. We have not had sex again because there is not enough privacy at the college. I know what we have done and are doing is wrong so it made me really start to think about my relationship with my husband. I am not happy and have not been for quite a while, which is why I cheated. But my professor says that he is happy with his home life. How can someone be happy with their homelife and cheat. I just don't get this. THis has completely comsumed me and I am having a hard time concentrating on anything except him. I have only been able to have sex with my husband 1 time since this happened (a month ago), and I had to force myself to do it which is what I have been doing for some time anyway. I am not physically attracted to him anymore and we have drifted apart–we have both changed. I want to get out of my marriage, but I don't want to hurt my husband (though I know he would be hurt just knowing I cheated). I love him, but am not in love with him anymore. I don't know what to do. I am really falling for my professor and I am lost. I can't stop thinking about him. When we are not at school (ie, nights, weekends, holidays) we email each other just general stuff (that could wait until the next school day), but for me it is having that link to him when we are not together. I'm afraid that if I leave my husband, I will be a lonely woman with no one to share my life with. I know that the professor will not leave his family for me, so I will be alone. I'm just so lost.I don't want to live my life being unhappy but I don't want to be alone. I am not getting any younger and now with my infedelities, I worry about what is going to happen. I don't want my husband to find out, but I do want to figure out a way to get out of the marriage with as little hurt to him as possible.

Why did he kiss me to begin with? If he was so happy at home why would he do something like that? I can understand him getting worked up and having sex with me the one time, but that is the only time we actually had sex. For the past month, we get into heavy makeout sessions, but no sex. What does this mean? Why does he keep going, I mean he is not getting sex, just worked up? When we discuss stopping whatever we have going on (neither one of us will say that it is an affair, because we have only had sex once–but I do feel like it is since we are always making out). Why do we both feel the need to email each other when we are away from school (even on his wifes birthday, we emailed a few times)? When I think about stopping it, because I know he is not going to leave his wife, I don;t want to. I want to keep this going, at least until I am done with school, because I really do like him, and it hurts me to not be able to touch him and kiss him and be near him. But the longer it goes, the more I am falling for him, and the more I know I will hurt when it ends. Is it possible for a man to be happy with his home life but still cheat (or have an affair)? I know why I did it; I am unhappy at home. But him…why did he do it? I just feel myself starting to fall in love with him and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I might think that it was because he is a man with free sex being thrown at him, but that's not it (since it has only happened once), but we just can't keep out hands off of each other.

I was hoping this would maybe get my thoughts straight, but I am just as confused, if not more confused, at what is going on and what I should do.

December 11, 2010 at 12:08 am

Well, I read your post rather quickly, so I'm not sure if you mentioned your age.  You seem young or maybe naive to certain types of people.  I understand the unhappiness in your marriage.  I too hate my relationship and wish there was some good way to just make him go away, but I can't condone cheating.  I understand the urge to do that.  You are so unhappy.  It's confusing you so because you know how wrong it is to do it.  I think you probably have quite a lot of class and inteligence, but your judgement is not as good right now because of your miserable situation.  Just know that your cheating is not good for you, and you are a way better person than to do something like that.

The other side of the coin is your professor.  I can tell you just from your post what kind of person he is.  He has told you he isn't going to leave his family, yet he still makes out with you.  That is a straight up user.  He's also not happy in his life, though he says he is, and he is using you to fill a void.  Possibly he feels he's getting older and trapped, (we all know that feeling) or maybe he his family life isn't as great as he says, who knows, but he has tapped into your weakened state (due to your unhappy home life) and knows if he makes you feel “special”, he can talk you into anything.  He will never be a good relationship for you, and your feelings for him are only an attempt to be happy.

What you need to do now is quit this relationship completely! You should also get all your affairs in order and think about filing for divorce.  If the marriage is that bad, make a plan for divorce that includes where you will live, finances, etc.  For your own good, when you do get divorced, stay SINGLE for awhile.  Get to know yourself, take care of business like your college, and make a good, stable you that you can be proud of.  When you do that, you will love yourself.  Loving yourself is a must if you want to find true love.  I wish you lots of luck.  I know times will be tough, but do all you can to take care of you.  You're worth it.

December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

dowm0090 gives great advice.  I agree with everything they said.  You need to get out of your marriage, possibly meet with a counselor, and leave the professor alone.  It does sound like he is using you and you don't need that with your current situation.  You need some time to think and clear your mind.  the professor and a unhappy home life won't let you focus what is best for you.  Be strong and think before you make any decisions.  Good luck!  I certainly understand the unhappy at home part.