First things first hi everybody this is officially my first post, I usually journal my feelings away or just sleep until it’s silly to remain mad/frustrated (and that’s usually what I’m feeling). But today I just want to do some damage but I shouldn’t because I always regret.
So so I’ll try and stay on topic and not babble about secondary issues because it’s going to be a serious vent. (Athought aren’t they all) I have 5 problems but they are all related. You will see hopefully. I will also describe the situation that “set me off”.
Background: I’m 28, I’ve been engaged for 10 years and was waiting until I had a degree in nursing (the road was not well lit) before marriage. I got it this year and my fiancé, my 6-year old daughter and I live with my mom and stepdad. It’s not a comfortable situation for us but we make it comfortable for them. We’re both unemployed currently.
my first and main problem; I’m jealous of my daughter or angry at my fiancé (her dad).
I just don’t feel like a parenal unit. I get frustrated easily, he rarely gets frustrated. Even though I am constantly working and slowly improving my methods in parenting I just always seem to do it wrong by his standards. Sometimes I flat out don’t agree and I just think he can’t bear to see our daughter in distress and will do anything to make her happy even if it means overturning my decisions and I’m usually standing right there.
it makes me feel deflated, defeated and sometimes-I admit -I react poorly and just push my decision anyway just to see what he will do. Will he fight me on it, will he let it go? Usually he rolls over because I’m more fired up and rigid but we argue later in the day and I just do whatever I can to avoid him because I don’t want to do something or say something I regret. I even sleep in my daughters room just to do just that. He is so on top of her needs and wants it’s driving me crazy. I’ve expressed the jealousy bluntly and usually he says nothing and just listens and ultimately blames it on my absent appropriate father figure and childhood abuse I suffered at the hands of…well an inappropriate father figure. But mostly he is just silent and tells me how she will have what I did not, which adds to my discomfort because mentally I’m thinking (she’s going to have you to).
my second problem: my mom has more authority over my fiancé than me. He’s afraid of her. True situation; I told him for nearly a week straight I’ll be kind and say at least 4 days in a row I told him to shower. For one he gets no sex unless he’s clean because I deserve it. Two he should just shower regularly. Did he shower? Bet you can guess not. I don’t want to be one of those people that nag, or that have to scream and shout to get their way. I have this strong unpleasant memory of my mom frequently yelling in a hateful way because my brother and I simply wouldn’t do what she asked otherwise. I feel like with my personality that’s just something I cannot sigh up for regularly. But guess what, my mom got a whiff of him and demanded he shower and he did. He took two because the first one was like a bird bath and she still could smell him and then he went back in for a deep cleaning. Remember I’d asked him respectfully for 4 days straight to do just that. Yeah, well any time my mom says something he follows, 97% of the time. His reasoning; to keep the peace. My mom is a monster when she gets pissed, just throwing demands, criticizing, death glare and door slamming. When she’s pissed we tend to stay out her way visually which leaves us locked in our room pretty much and we try to keep our daughter out the way as well-not that she’s in danger but to giver her space to cool off.
i get that he’s the outsider and doesn’t feel he can get away with as much defiance as I but at the same time it makes me feel so…so unlike a partner.
Third problem; he’s got so many vices and is lazy/procrastinator. Weed, vaping, gaming, phone all things he NEEDS. Remember we are unemployed right? Well, I still don’t know how but he always has enough $ for 3 out of 4 of those vices (my parents oh for phone). He trades in games, he cuts grass for his aunt or something and his friends spot him…he always finds a way to have those things. Never mind the toll bill, or his medical bills or you know-something responsible. My original rule at 18 was if I can’t do it then I shouldn’t expect him to either. A trivial rule but I never had a job growing up, yet I expected him to get one easily and I found how difficult that was when I was pregnant going on some of my first ever job interviews…so much rejection. Guess I’ll all about equality. Which is why I cannot do much because when I point out his vices he just points at mine which is sweets.
Problem 4; he’s smarter than me. His academic education is poor, he can’t do basic math and watching or listening to him type is painful (so slow), and can’t seem to hold a job… ur he is smarter in life than me. Everybody that meets him including his professors when he did try and attend college are always blown away by his insight on certain things. Just a damn good critical thinker with a strong auditory memory. It’s hard when he can talk circles around me to be right so I have stopped trying and decided on being honest, and emotions don’t care about facts. He’s very rational where I am very emotional.
Last problem and it’s not really a major problem when compared to the previous 4 but it’s bothering me. I never hang out with him and his friends. Now 90% of his friends I cannot hang with, at their houses at least, because I’m allergic to cats and everyone has a damn cat. when the cat isn’t the issue it simply becomes a gender issue. All his friends are single, some have no luck in the romance department, and he doesn’t say I’m not welcome but he always says my presence would be weird because they’re guys and going to behave differently with me there or he doesn’t want to rub it in their face that he has a girlfriend-says they’re all envious. He also says I’ll have no fun because there is nothing for me. I get it but it’s just something else I have to compete with.
my closing, im not great. I’m mediocre at being a good person. I do more good than bad. I’m anxious and I’ve been nothing but moody it seems like all year. Today what set me off was little. Trying to get my daughter to eat veggies, we don’t include them with dinner because she will just eat the main course and claim she’s too full for veggies. So we give them before dinner. She had 4 carrots, small. Just 4. She ate two and refused. Not part of what the fiancé and I discussed, she must eat them all. So I explained to her the consequences; she will sit until it’s gone no dinner and no tv and no Toys. I told her I was ok with letting her sit until bedtime (which was an hour away). Daddy comes home sees her upset and does whatever he can. Offered to eat one if she eats one (didn’t we say she had to eat them all), I said no. He tried play with the food and cheer for her because she was almost there already but she was not having it and neighther was I. I told him to go play a game so he could distract himself from her obvious discomfort and just let her make this decision/mistake.
he goes out of sight and proceeds to send me all these Facebook articles. One was titled “why you shouldn’t make kids eat their veggies” and the other “11 proven ways to get your child eating veggies.” Once again I felt inept in parenting skill. Once again I felt 2nd which I then proceeded to feel guilty for.
ahhhh. I have been having this terrible but freeing daydream where I break it off after 10 solid years. Count my blessings to get out and tell him he can have her since he’s such a good parent. Just get out. But I’m afraid to be alone, I’m afraid of the shame-I have been sticking up for him to others forever having seen potential in him when others did not, I’m afraid I’m being petty and impatient, I’m afraid to ruin something good including my daughter, I’m afraid of being wrong about all of this but I’m also afraid these constant mood swings, feelings of animosity, powerlessness and strain are going to be my life day in and day out forever.
Sorry this is so long but thanks if you read it all, even if you didn’t thanks.
Replying to my own post is like talking to myself. But I have an update. After venting here I finally had my feelings laid out in a way that allowed me to explain it.
it was midnight and I basically copied and pasted what I wrote here and sent it to him (of course it was individualized for him to receive).
i was still awake when he woke in the middle of the night to come to bed, but I pretended to be sleep. I told him in the text that things were going to be different; I wasn’t going to sleep next to him anymore because I usually fall asleep alone while he plays games or I wait for him like a puppy and become sad when he just comes to bed to sleep (it sounds funny I know). Also, he would be in charge of our daughters veggies, and we would alternate who does her lessons with her. Additionally, since he stays up late playing the game and by the time he wakes up I’ve done everything; got her dressed, done her hair, she’s eaten and he’s basically waking up for the car ride. Told him not to worry about it anymore. Most importantly, and I’m quite proud of myself, I told him his actions contradict what he tells me and I believe what he says to be untrustworthy. I called bullsh** on his words. I didn’t tell him I was thinking of calling it off though, that’s just something I need to be 1000% sure about.
His reply; he’s so on guard with my mom that he resists when I tell him to do things. He is feeling useless and burying himself in mindless games helps. He didn’t mean to pick apart my parenting style. It will be better but I don’t have to believe him. I’ll see.
So far so good, it was a relatively normal day today. Nothing out of the ordinary, he was so stressed from my text he didn’t sleep much and woke up early on his own despite what I said in the text. He slept on the floor also (his own decision).
the normalcy of the day was somewhat a disappointment. Guess I hoped he would see it as urgent and spring into action. There were some minor differences such as I felt like I got more compliments which felt like pity or empty flattery. He checked in with me on decisions more than normal but that’s not fixing anything-since it was never a problem.
i feel bad though, not for anything I did or said but because my mom is now attacking him. He was asked to cut grass and it was nearly 100 degrees today. He waited until 2 pm, an extremely hot time of day to cut grass and my mom was home. We have a decent size back yard and he didn’t listen to her when she told him to pick up poop before he started, and she felt he rushed it.
My parents like their yard to be a very specific way. She was offended he just cut it any old way as fast as he could. I don’t think I helped any when she asked me about his productivity in job searching, I told her to ask him specifically.
she always asks me what he’s doing and how he’s doing it and I do ask him but honestly I hardly remember what he says to me by the time she asks, or I’m just tired to being messenger. She can ask him herself if she wants to know but she made the comment saying seeing him all the time on the game or sleeping is beginning to piss her off. Just seeing him relaxed when she’s cooking and cleaning irritates her and I get it.
Before yesterday (which is when my original post was) we had a whole seperate argument about how he just always looks like the laziest person alive even when he’s being productive because he applies for jobs on his phone, laying in bed wearing the same clothes he always seems to wear.
i cannot tell if he’s applying for jobs or watching YouTube. No one can and that’s a problem in this house in this family. My parents are military since a young age so they have this idea of what production looks like.
what happened between us (and is still happening) is a secret. My parents have no idea I’m even having relationship issues. My friends don’t (I only have two) know either.
i wish it didn’t have to all happen at once. Feeling super attacked I bet.
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