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January 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm

i ran into this site just looking for a place to do this~ vent.  i've read several posts from other members.  and while i honestly want (what sounds incredibly insincere) is for everyone to be happy, i'm just consumed with anger and hatred. i don't know how to get rid of it and it's killing me.

so i figured since i have no one to literally talk to, i would just vent/type/rage silently through a keyboard.  here goes.

it started several years ago. 2005. my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. i was teaching preschool at a private child development center. and was damned good at it, if i do say so myself. after i found out about my mother, i quit my job. no discussion with my husband. mom was alone. divorced and parents deceased and my younger sister just starting her career.  back then, real estate was doing well and my husband's construction business (residential framing) was going well.  so i was with her during surgery and chemotherapy.  trips every week, sometimes more than once.  i didn't go with her to radiation because she didn't get sleepy through that and was able to drive herself.

then a breast cancer walk comes up in atlanta. my sister wants me to drive our mother to the last day of the walk. i didn't and that began the “distancing” of our relationships. my mother's and my sister's. 

neither of them talked to me or emailed me. although for thanksgiving, i called to ask my mother if she was coming for thanksgiving. she told me she hadn't been feeling well and was just going to get a turkey sub from subway.  and of course, i asked about my sister but she had just started dating her future husband and they had plans of their own.

time goes by.economy is for crap and construction all but quits and my husband and i are struggling but  i get an email from my sister that she just bought a house. and the next day, i get an email from my mother about the same thing.  then my sister gets engaged. and of course, there's a wedding.

fast forward. my mother writes a totally false email to my mother-in-law about how i'm “living vicariously” through my oldest son.  (she heard part of a conversation on her way out the door leaving from visiting our house.)  and she writes to her that i'm too picky in getting a job. however, i never told anyone that i had been interviewing for jobs because i just “assumed” that i would get offered a job. that didn't happen and then i started to lose confidence and was actually happy that i didn't tell anyone. 

in the meantime, my mother-in-law had forwarded the email to my father-in-law.  he's never liked me by the way, so when he read these lies, he was quick to believe them.  and of course, i was pissed off at my m-i-l for forwarding them in the first place. so i distanced myself from everyone on both sides of my family.

then my oldest son graduated from high school and at my sister's wedding the month before my son's graduation, my mother offered to let him live with her while going to college.

this is the beginning of the end.  he was miserable at her place. every day, it was a repetition of him getting a job. plus he had “rules” to be followed.  then he did something really really terrible. he was on her computer for an assignment and read her email from his aunt- my sister. (i had tried to convince him that the rift/argument/estrangement from my mother was going to be worse with him living with her.)  he had always adored going to visit her with his other 2 brothers.  and he read an email. it shook him.  because sadly, he realized that what i had told him was spot on.  so he read more. then he became obsessed.  he called me the next morning, upset, and told me that he was sending (forwarding) them to me. i printed them out at the library. i read things that both my mother and my sister had written about me, my husband and my sons.  i can honestly say i've never heard them speak about anyone else this way, to this degree.  my husband and i were called lazy, loser, disgusting and an embarrassment to the family.  i sat at my kitchen table and literally remember sobbing.  this was what my sister had said about me. and my mother, in her return emails hadn't said she shouldn't say things like that.  she just i guess, in silence, agreed.

and to date, my husband and i have had to move out of the house we lived in for over 12 years.  we're now in an apartment.

but everyday, i have those words going through my head from my sister and my mother.  i can't let them go.  i've prayed to the person upstairs. i've pleaded for help to get past this anger and hatred and rage. and nothing's helped. now i'm consumed with more anger, more hatred, more rage, total sadness and despair and feeling like the biggest loser.

i've pleaded with my husband that i just needed someone to “talk to” and he's not interested.  he actually told me that he didn't “want to get involved” with my family's situation.  my father, has been a great shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to. it's actually brought us closer.

i feel like this whole thing has had such a negative impact that i don't know how to get past it.  i know there are people out there worse off than me. but my all of my relationships have been affected, including my marriage.  and i'm angry. and sadly, i don't know how to get over it.

i keep joking that i want the “eternal sunshine” for this part of my life.

i just need peace. i need to rage. i need to vent. and while i know this has been years of anger and it's not going to go away with a vent, i appreciate the opportunity to do this.

and thanks to any of you who took the time to read this. and if you're here because of a problem in your own family, i hope you find peace and resolve.

 

take care,

michelle

January 15, 2011 at 1:54 am

Nothing is a painful as a rift in a family. I don't want to sound patronizing but have you talked the them? I'm not sure how you would approach it but it I guess best that you don't mention the email. But these feelings are obviously not going away and are festering. Sad to hear that your husband is not wanting to help especially as all you want to do is talk and not necessarily want him to intervene.