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March 25, 2015 at 6:44 pm

I try really hard to like my mom. I’m not just saying that. We aren’t close, I don’t trust her because of a lot of things that have happened between us – but I keep trying to reach out because one day I really hope we will have some sort of a relationship.

But I don’t think she wants to.

I have a pretty severe lung disease. I’ve spent a lot of time in the hospital and my lungs are really sensitive to triggers like hot or cold weather, dust, and smoke. I have had this condition for my entire life.

Guess what? My mom smokes cigarettes. She pretends that she only smokes outside, but it gets harder to breathe every time I walk by the upstairs bathroom after she’s been in there. The window is usually wide open no matter how cold it is.

Once my Gramma was in a lot of pain so I took her to the hospital with my cousin. I sat with her for hours, and then they decided to transfer her by ambulance to another hospital. My cousin dropped me off at home and I was planning on going back to be with her, but I couldn’t because my mother was going and she wanted to smoke in the car. Luckily my grandmother was fine, but if anything had happened that night I never ever would have forgiven my mother.

The problem now is that I have been trying to learn to drive so that I can buy a car and get a place of my own. It has been months and I have only been driving with my mother three times. Why? Because she smokes in the car and won’t put out the fucking cigarettes for her own daughter. My driving test is in five days, and she still can’t be bothered.

Does it make me a terrible person to hate her a little bit?