I’ll try to explain as best as I can, from what memories I have from when I was a kid. It’s sad, I know, that I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, but only of the bad sides of it. I have bad memory issues, so I’m trying to remember every bit of it as best as I can.
I used to live in Gilbert, Arizona, with my mom and dad, 2 sisters and brother. My dad was hardly there, and I like to think that my mother seemed to care more about her lizards, snakes, and mice more than us kids. It was tough, because we really wanted dad to be in our lives, and I know mom did try her best, as the years passed, we lost the house due to lack of payment (I still don’t know if this was the real reason or not.) We moved to Mesa, AZ for a few months after mom and dad split up, before making our way to Washington to be closer to my Uncle and his family. During our time in Mesa, I would be confronted with a lot of racism and prejudice, due to the Hispanic population outnumbering whites. I was often bullied, by both students and teachers up until we moved up to Washington.
I had a hard time adjusting with the new reality of living in a new state, and especially not having friends. I have and always been overweight, and from day one starting school, I was bullied for it. I often lied to try to make friends, and often it was spit back in my face. I wanted a chance to have a good school year, but with each year that passed, it progressively became worse, all the while my mom opted out of our lives. She still lived with us, but it was our grandmother that really cared for us and disciplined us. My mother would just be on the sidelines the entire time. Eventually, my older sister (whom we never got along at all), moved to begin college at WSU, and things seemed to get a tad better.
Fast forward to senior year, it was supposed to be a happy year, but it was even worse. My grandmother, the rock of our foundation, passed in November of ’08 to leukemia. None of us knew how to cope. The day of her passing, I tried to go to school, but I didn’t last 3 periods until I burst into tears at the reality that I now faced. It’s hard. I wasn’t that close to my grandmother, but I still felt awful. From that point, our family situation got worse. Mom let things get out of hand, with my brother being disrespectful to anyone and everyone, now that no one would discipline us. My youngest sister moved out, after she had recently gotten a job and my mother wanted her to contribute to the bills, and then some. She couldn’t take it, especially when she was cleaning mosof the time. After that, mom had begun to horde snakes and lizards again, with the quote ringing in our minds, “at least the animals won’t leave me.” That sentence still gets to me at this day.
I started college back in ’09, but I didn’t make it past two quarters. I’m terrible at math, and failed my math courses twice, and so I wasn’t able to afford college without financial aid. It didn’t help that my mother, my own mom, was using the extra amount of financial aid money to pay for bills. That time, I made sure to handle my own cards from then on. Life was hard from then on, no one wanted to hire me, I had no experience in anything. I was contemplating cutting and suicide, and then moved in with my dad to try to find a job in the local town, with little to no success. Meanwhile, with the animals (by this rate, she had 5 lizards and four snakes, as well as two dogs and six cats) causing so much filth in the house and me and my brother fed up with having to clean so much, I decided to move out to attend Job Corps in another state, to get as far away as possible. My mom had tried so hard to convince me out of this opportunity, and she nearly had, but I went anyways, with the help of my dad and my stepmom.
Throughout the year that I attended Job Corps, I felt so free and independent. I no longer lived in a dirty house, and I could make choices for myself. Though, it didn’t last. Once I finished my trade, the Job Corps had requested that I find new housing to make room for new students, seeing as I finished my trade and my time had come to leave. I promised myself I would never go back to my mom’s house. I moved in with Dad, and even then, I had a hard time looking for a new job.
I was finally offered a job back in 2014, at a local pizza parlor. Disadvantage, you guessed it. Mom’s house. I moved back reluctantly, and had to walk to work back and forth in the rain, snow, sun, and dark. From 2014-16, our house was quickly becoming into disarray. Things kept breaking, flooding in the basement, mold everywhere downstairs. We were days away from losing the house to the city, when a real estate agent offered to swap our house/land for a smaller house, thanks to my sister’s mother-in-law. I didn’t like her, but I respected her for trying so hard to make our lives so much better.
We moved into the same city as my dad and stepmom, much to my mom’s distaste. I begun to work for both the pizza parlor and safeway, until it became too much to handle for both jobs, and opted for working at the safeway and putting my two weeks in at the pizza parlor. All the while, we had rehomed all of the lizards and snakes before moving (fortunately), but from then till now, the new house became part 2. Some of the cats we had destroyed furniture, ruined carpeting and curtains, and then some within months of moving in. It was a nightmare all over again, coated with cat pee and mildew of items my mom wanted to keep from the old house (mind you I have asthma). I sold my old car to get a new one from a dealership, thanks to safeway, I can afford it (barely).
Fast forward to today, I currently work two jobs again, at Safeway and Panera Bread, with an addiction of spending money and an addiction to daydreaming with no true passion in my life. I let my mom rule over just about everything I do, out of fear of being thrown out. I don’t have the funds to move out, with nearly $3k in debt from a vet credit card and other credit cards. I don’t have a social or love life because I’ve been so sheltered in my whole life, as well as I won’t dare bring anyone to the cesspool that I live in. I don’t know how to stand up for myself, and I often get walked all over by my mom. My sister and my dad want me to stand up for myself, but I simply lack the motivation. I often contemplate suicide, but I’m afraid to carry it out, but with growing up as how I have, I don’t have the motivation to do anything for myself aside from work, waste time playing videogames and buy junk to make me happy. I don’t know what to do to improve myself, with constantly looking in the mirror, seeing who I am today. Severly overweight and unhealthy, not at all pretty or beautiful. It’s gotten so bad that I had bought a puppy, out of loneliness, but she ended up adding onto the destruction of the house. I feel like I’ve been so far in the dark that I don’t even know some of the most simple things in life like being independent again. Rent is so expensive, same with bills, that I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the ability to save. I’ve tried, but its so hard. I’ve even thought to pitch a tent but I cant with the winter as it is right now. I’m just so tired of being trapped in an endless loop and being afraid to do anything about it, and I feel like nothing will change unless I leave again. I don’t see that happening until I win the lottery to pay off my debt and my car.
I want to add that my brother and I are currently supporting our mother. As ‘rent’, the two of us pay a bill to ensure that we can stay there. Without us, our mother would never be able to make those payments. But she knows the two of us can’t survive without a roof over our heads.
I don’t know if this is allowed, but these are two posts from prior messenger boards that I have posted on in the past seeking help, to go into further detail of the past.
I also feel that I’m unable to start a conversation with my mom, with her throwing on the waterworks and my brother trying to play mediator, it’s hard when it ends in arguments. My mom has gone far enough to lie behind our backs and claim we don’t pay a dime. I’m hating feeling like this but I’m so full of resentment that I can’t even talk to my mom about my issues or troubles after everything she has said and done.
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