Sorry to disturb everyone I just can't talk to my friends because I don't want to put or let them see my pain. It's my burden. Even bursting here is werid and awkward for me, but the fact that I don't know any of you, takes my mind of the consequeces oftalking.
My parents are broke. So any little money I spend makes me feel horrible. I just can't handle this anymore. They are fine and don't yell at me or anything but my mum does discuss money troubles with me and it just worries me.
Because my mothedr always talked about money w/me trhough out my life, I've developed this huge fear of being broke, dying of starvation…. I know it's pretty insane, Im only 20, studying… but I fear it so much.
Last year I met someone who changed my life. I fell in love, but september he moved to a different country. And honestly I'd have done the distance relationship thing or just remain friends, but he chose to completly delete me of his life as if I was nothing. That awakened my depression again, and these past few months have been horrible. I haven't cried in years (when i was 16/17 I used to cry day and night so I guess I've used up my share of crying :p) because I don't cry it's like sadness doesn't leave. It just piles up inside of me.
ill be leaving tomorrow to stay with my family in Spain, and I just hope I don't have a panic attack in front of them. I hope I can rpetend to be happy that time. I'm freaking out over all the gaps I have on my spanish vocabulary, I hope they don0t think Im stupid. I hope they like me. I am also freaking out because I couldn't go out to buy them gifts so I have nothing to give them. I feel horrible.I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go and shop. (the money thing and Idk everything just feels horrilbe).
I just can't feel happy, I hate myself and being around othedr people because it's hard hiding all this.
It's like everyone can see thi sbeautiful world and I can't. Like i'm blindfolded and the only thing I see is sadness.
I feel like I mess up everything, I hate myself and I honestly think everything would be better if I died.
Life is just too hard.
I can't do this anymore.
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