Author Posts

November 10, 2017 at 12:54 pm

I wasn’t sure which topic to choose so I just picked this one. It’s hard to believe I found myself online telling this to the world. I don’t have many friends and I’m not sure how much I trust the ones I have. It has never been easy for me to make friends but I’ll get to that. Im currently sitting in rehab for a meth addiction. I have about 9 months clean but every day is still hard. I’ve always like doing different drugs but I found my addiction not long after my mother’s death. In all my life I never thought I would see her die so horribly. The inside of her mouth covered in scabs and sores, hallucinating and barely coherent. Completely out of her mind. She had fought leukemia for years and the chemo had finally taken it’s toll. I was so angry for a long time and I didn’t know how to deal with seeing that. I didn’t know who to talk to about it because, like I said, it was never easy for me to make friends. I was always a social outcast. I don’t know how to be social really. I’ve been told I always have a “poker face” on but that’s really just a nice way of saying that my face never shows any emotion. It seems that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I sometimes wonder if they think I’m really as emotionless as I seem to look to them. I’ve tried being more social but something always happens to discourage me. Recently a chaplain at my rehab made a comment. He called me a “shadow”. I have always had a lot of feelings about my social problems that I could never understand of explain but now in that one moment I have one word that describes all of it. Shadow. I wish I knew how to change myself. I wish this was as easy for me as it seems to be for everyone else. The depression is relentless. I used to be able to put all my thoughts and feelings into poetry. It’s a gift I’m proud to say my mother passed to me. I can’t write anymore. I’ve tried but the words just won’t come to me. But I will keep trying because that’s all I ever really had. But that’s all I have to say