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June 22, 2015 at 7:05 am

Well had an awful weekend with boyfriend. Things just seem to be getting worse. Feeling like I am a housekeeper and that’s about it. We don’t talk, he shows no affection towards me, and I just don’t feel like trying anymore.

Applied to a few jobs today, and found a few apartments that are for rent within my price range. I need to just sit down and talk with him and see if we can figure this stuff out. At the same time though I don’t want to have this talk tell I can confidently say I can move out. The biggest problem is that I can not save any money while living with him. I can’t get ahead on the bills because he spends all of our money. I am always using what little I have saved to try to cover the bills. I don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to pack my shit and go live with a friend for a few months tell I can get my down payment saved. The good news is that if I can get just one of the jobs I applied for  I should be able to save the money I need.

If only I could just talk to him about all of this and try to work it out. I love him and I don’t want to go but I can’t live like this. I would rather be by myself than feel like a stranger in my own home.

I am going to talk to my therapist tomorrow and try to come up with a game plan to talking to him. Maybe if I can just get it through his thick skull that I am so miserable I am thinking of leaving he may change his tune. I know there are things that he probably wants to say to me as well, but I just can’t figure out how to start the dialogue. Its infuriating. I am so behind on everything that I can’t even think straight anymore. I just want this to be done. I want to go hide in a hole and never climb back out.

I fear that if I leave I will regret it. We are so good together in so many ways, but I am not sure this is worth it anymore. I know he is going through a lot right now, but how long is this going to last? How long do I have to pretend like I am happy? How can I do this shit? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I need someone to talk to about all this. The one friend that I have will just tell me to pack my shit and give me an I told you so. I am thinking about going over to another friends home and talking to her about it. She is closer she to my bf then she is to me but she gives pretty damn good advice. I don’t know. I need to be working on my psych papers that were due yesterday buyt I just can’t seem to focus on anything lately. I am so stressed that I feel sick to my stomach.

We never have a good time to talk. he is either tired or angry. Those seem to be his two emotions. Any other time that I have tried to talk to him he just gets mad at me, so I have given up on that. But I can’t keep all of my emotions inside of me, I don’t work that way. The more I try to hold in the angrier I become and the more I lash out.

Fuck this.