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July 14, 2017 at 9:42 pm

Disclaimer: If you don’t want your mood to be ruined, don’t read this. There’s swearing, too.

I used to love animals, and I even wanted to become a vet when I was about 6. If you’ve seen my position in life now, you wouldn’t believe that. I, now, hate dogs as they are annoying, noisy, and destructive. I’m very selective with which breeds I actually like (I love corgis and theyre stubby little legs), and that’s just me. Yes, if an animal is hurt I would want to help it, but for the most part I won’t touch dogs unless I think they’re cute. I just think theyre a nuisance and are a waste of time and money. However, I freaking love cats. They’re so cute and cuddly even mine wants to attack me 90% of the time, but that’s how family relationships are… sorta.

Anyway, to the reason I made this post… I have hurt animals before. I was about 10 years old when it started with my pet hamsters who all passed away from different things other than old age (such as cannibalism, possibly shock?, and running away to mention a few). I’m gonna hate saying this, but I would be upset by the males constantly chasing the females and them humping… So I took both and made one bite the other one… down their. Probably more than once, but no more than five times. That was hard to type. I absolutely hate what I did, and that’s not the end. That’s just the worst part so my life would be easier typing the next two things I did. So, I also put one in a hamster ball and spun it around. Until it threw up. I feel disgusting typing this. This is really hard for me, and it’s just strange since I don’t have any childhood traumas.. I just was interested in cause and effect you could say, even though that’s kinda sugar coated. Next, and last one, I threw one of my hamsters at a wall and its tooth broke or fell out. I’m fucked up. This is just terrible. I honestly cannot believe I did these things. I feel like complete shit. I wish I had stolen or gotten into trouble, but abusing animals is just cruel. I can’t believe I did any of it. I try to push these thoughts aside when I have memories of the past, but it’s really hard. I’ve only ever told my ex, and I was being very vague.
This is just something I won’t let down unless I speak to a therapist about it, because it makes me turn against myself and just hate who I was. I had control over that person who hurt those animals. What did it even accomplish? Maybe I had repressed thoughts of hurting others, so I took it out on things that couldn’t fight back.. which were kinda like me.

Well, to anyone who got through this, I’m sorry you had to visualize any of that. I’m gonna become vegan once I settle down in a house, but for now I’m a pescatarian who doesn’t condone animal cruelty unless it’s justified and not excessive.