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July 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Rant for today

I try to stay strong for my family and my friends but here lately I feel like I could explode at any minute why because I don’t have the money to pay my rent this month I feel like a damn charity case can’t borrow money from anyone because I owe everyone money.  My husband has emphysema and our Medicaid got cancelled today.  I feel so lonely even though I am married I feel like I’m not getting what I want out of life. I want more but have too many excuses to justify not acting on getting more I’m 36 years old and having to think about moving in with my parents something has got to give I am too old for this….I wish I would have went to school the first time I applied and I would have been done by now!  But that’s how my whole life is full of regret and promises not kept that I made to myself when I was young I wanted to travel the world and live a good and nice life and now I am stuck in this house with these kids that don’t even need me anymore a husband that is vanishing before my eyes.  I feel like giving up but I can’t because of the kids if I give up then they don’t have a chance cause it won’t be long and John will be gone.  But how can I press on with so many things pressing down on me.  Nobody to help me I feel like I’m drowning living in poverty with no way out while driving to ss to beg for money I see all these beautiful houses and wonder do they know what it’s like to ask people to pay their bills? Have they ever had to use a food stamp card?  Then I am humbled by the thought that they have probably hopefully worked hard to get everything they have so they don’t have to live like me.  So what’s stopping me u ask?  Why don’t I get an education?  Because I have excuses and they justify my sorriness!