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March 17, 2013 at 7:08 am


I started thinking today what if it wasn’t the
ex-girlfriends that changed. What if it was me, I never realized it but I
regret not speaking against Natasha getting her tattoo. I know she wanted it
but she’s 18 she’s going to have it forever now. If I have kids I want them to
be 20 before they get a tattoo. It’s not that I don’t trust it’s just something
about it. I almost no I do regret not speaking against but Natasha’s tattoo
isn’t  bad but it just angers me I anger
myself, mostly I think she would have waited if I asked her to. I don’t know
anymore. Maybe, I doubt she would have waited that long. I know in my heart
that if one of my kids get a tattoo and they aren’t 20 they have no respect for
what I want. Me in the past I have thought about getting one but I decided to
wait it didn’t feel right. So many things are changing heck, after the break up
with my last gf I swore off girls. All I really wanted was to use them and let
them use me to get satisfied, but I couldn’t do it I can’t use people. But
during the time hanging with Natasha in the beginning I learned that I can’t be
a man whore it’s just not who I am. My past is so messed I wish I had a bad
memory so I could just forget all this. I talked to Natasha today and was able
to get everything off my mind. I think she is the one for me, I always think
about her it’s funny I can be really pissed or annoyed with her but being
around her it all just goes away and I have to struggle to bring up and talk
about anything. I have to think of the words because I don’t want to be harsh
just straight with her. I remember my 18th birthday I had it all
planned out I was going to ride my bike into town and get a tattoo I had the
money for it but I just didn’t it was going to be grand fathers name. Simple I know but just an easy reminder of who
I have lost and cared about. I got the idea from my sister her tattoo of her
kid’s names. I don’t want to honor people who are alive but honor the ones who
are dead and show what they have taught. I remember only a few things of my
grandfather. But mostly patients when baking and to be straight with people.
It’s been 2 years since I wrote like this I deleted my old journal when I
started dating Natasha. It was stupid of me, I should have kept going but I
don’t think I wanted to keep all the old memories the few bad ones that I
forget. I hope I can get comfortable with Natasha’s tattoo I still don’t
understand her hurry on it. I also don’t think it helps that her step dad
encouraged it. I don’t think parents should encourage a choice like that; I
think they should just give an opinion and guide. That’s what I’m going to do.
I miss my grandfather he could always put a smile on my face and he just made
the hardships of the world seem to go away for me. I can feel the tears
building up talking and thinking about him, it makes me angry it feels like
there are two sides of me an emotional one who wants to connect with friends
and be honest about his feelings. The other one is just anger; mostly towards
the emotional I’m a guy toughen up right. I don’t know if Natasha will agree
with making the kids wait until there 20 before they get a tattoo but it’s just
the way I think it should be. Sometimes I forget Natasha is 3 years younger
than me and doesn’t think the way I do. I don’t think that many people think
the way I do about things; I think I understand why Natasha wanted a tattoo.
Part of it could be because she really believes in the saying. But I think
another one is because step dad encouraged it and he has multiple Natasha’s
friends have them. I keep noticing I keep going back to the tattoo even though
I should be over it can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t know why I keep
tearing up, she doesn’t think it was a mistake, so why do I and what’s the big
deal it’s just a fucking tattoo. I wish all the time I could just cry and let
everything out, but I stop myself because I don’t want to look pathetic even to
myself. As I type this I wonder if I should let Kristen or anyone read this. I
don’t think I do. Last thing that’s weird is she put it right where I like to
lay may hands to her and I think above clothes be fine but something about
touching it right now just seems to twist my stomach. I hope this doesn’t go
on, if I cant get over this tattoo thing I will have to end it with her. I
really don’t want to but, in the end it might be better If I did to save grief.
I love her so much, why couldn’t she get it on her ankle. I don’t look or touch
them very much. Shut up about the damn tattoo already she asked you and you
said okay. I don’t know why I think in 3rd person like that. Its
almost like my brain and body are two different people. Kinda like those
cartoons with the devil and angel on the persons shoulders. I am going to give
it a year or two by the end of this I will either ask her to marry or I will
break up with her. I keep thinking she didn’t care what I think but im just
lying to myself, she asked I said I didn’t care. I just hope she’s happy and
can live with that choice, she is bolder than I was at her age. But she had supporters;
I was gone in secret I wonder if she would have gotten it if nobody said
anything to her about it. I also wonder about a lot of things why she is still
with me, we have dated for 3 years and I still don’t feel like I know her all
that well. Since we have started dating I find she opens up to me a little better
but I just wish she could open up to me more easier. Natasha has the most
wonderful eyes. When I saw them tear up tonight my heart cries with her I find
it hard to hold back my tears, she is so special. I am a very lucky guy. She
does a lot more for me then I ever realize she listens to me.  Im grateful for that but I feel as though I
could have been a better more positive about her tattoo but I don’t know I
think the law should make you wait until your 20. But I think that’s how a lot
of tattoo places stay in business anxious 18 year olds. I am grateful she got a
tattoo based on something she believes in. If she got something stupid I don’t
think I could date her. As I write this I hear a voice Michas I think, its not
really clear I think its what I think I heard her say jumbled with time. I
think I was jelous and felt left out of that part of Natasha life especially
when micha said Natasha designed it. If she did, did she ever show me and if
she did, did I blow it off or what, I told Natasha about that earlier that day
and she said I  could go but I was
angrier but happy that she asked. But it just felt so fake like she only asked
because I said that, like I compelled her to ask. I think I would have loved to
gone just to show her I will support her no matter what,  but I didn’t want to be around micha any
longer, something about her the more I hang with her the more strange of a vibe
I get. Maybe I was just jealous and angry towards her, I sometimes feel like
friends avoid me because im honest and say what they don’t want to hear, but
then again im used to being left out. I have always been left out of things.
Not that I care anymore, no secretly I do im just lying to myself to comfort
myself. In the past I would just smoke a joint and go whatever. But dating Natasha
makes this hard, I have to actually deal with my feelings not just push them
away its difficult. I don’t know what to do have the time. Sometimes I wish I
was my dog. Basic needs outside a little walk and to sleep all day with people.
Theres no complexity of all these, being a human is difficult. As I lay
restless at night my mind goes to when Natasha walks into the house every time
especially tonight my mom was all over her. Talk talk talk. And she is so
FUCKING PUSHY SHE WOULDN’T JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF SO NATASHA COULD COME INTO MY
ROOM  LET ME SEE THE TATTOO I WANNA SEE
IT. Natasha has been dating me for 3 years and put up with my mom for longer. I
hope she learns to say hi ignore and walk into my room soon because it drives
me up the wall. I was hoping to see it before my parents fuck them I secretly
hate both of them. Well a small part of me does, a small part of me really does
hate them. That’s just frustrating, why do I get so worked up about it. The
hate is also towards myself. I regret not waiting for my first time to be with
Kristen. I wish so much she was. I think about her prom dance and when I saw
her slow dance with another guy, its almost like karma is equally itself out on
me. I cant stay mad at her shes like a poison against my anger. When I look
into her eyes if shes happy I feel happy. If she is sad it makes me sad that’s
what makes it hard for me. I think I am just over tired these last few days
have been stressful. I wonder how much more until everything balances out. I
have concluded from this alone that I have minor jealousy issues. Probably
created from the past relationships. Seeing Natasha dance with whomever he was
made me angry like a flashback when I was dating Lena and I heard that she
danced with John. But Natasha’s much more to me than my ex. I almost feel sick
to my stomach just comparing my ex to Natasha. In the end I hope there is
something me and Natasha  get to do. I
missed our first slow dance in our relationship, my first time, I hope the
scale is almost balanced. I want something anything to be OUR first time. But I
doubt it will ever be besides marriage. I just like something small but I fear
everything is done. I keep fucking up, again I fight tears there’s nothing left
to be OUR first time anything everything’s gone. I HATE IT, I just want to
smash my hands against the ground and curse out. All I want is something to be
our first anything, a tear has been able to escape my eye and I just let it run
down. I’m not angry maybe it’s a sign maybe I need to let go. I think I just
want to sit and cry one night just let everything out I miss my grandfather so much
he made me feel so good about myself. This is difficult to talk about I had to
stop and collect myself. I think the real source of my anger is the anger to
myself I haven’t forgiven myself. When my grandfather died I was there I never
said goodbye or anything I didn’t want to believe he was dying and when I
decided to say good bye it was too late he was gone. I don’t think he took any
hard feelings he was the best man I have ever known. I feel like I have failed
him, like I should be so much better than what I am.


 


I keep wondering if I should let Kristen read this if she
wants. I don’t think she would mind, but I don’t know. If I want her to
everyone has a right to the privacy in the mind. But recently I don’t think I
should keep this a secret, its how I see and think of things so maybe if she
read this it could be beneficial or maybe not.

                                                                                NIGHT
2

 

 


It’s the next night for two nights in a row my heart has
pounded fast and hard. I can’t keep my breath I keep taking deep breathes to
help me relax but it doesn’t help. And I keep thinking about what ifs… useless
annoying thoughts I keep punching myself in the right temple. Hoping that the
negative thoughts and the negative reinforment will help me stop thinking about
it. She got the tattoo it’s done. But tonight’s worse than last night. Last
night I was alone to deal and tonight she is with me, I feel like a prisoner in
my own body I can’t wait for the fucking thing to heal. I just wanna roll over
and hold her but I can’t fear of touching and hurting her or damaging the
stupid thing. IT’S MADDENING. I just want to freak out. I tried sleeping in the
other room but I could never sleep on that couch very well and this is my bed.
I’m glad she’s leaving tomorrow some more time might be good, I don’t know why
but I feel mixed feelings like I let her down but she’s happy to get it. I feel
she got it too soon in her life, I lay hear hoping I don’t hear her complain
about it, and I really hope I don’t hear her thinking about getting rid of it,
especially because I would no its because of me. I would have to leave her, I
don’t like that idea. I guess in the end I just never pictured her getting one
burst my little fantasy I had. God I sound like a little fucking school girl
should just blow my brains all over the side walk. Now I think I have an
understanding how prison works. All you get is a small frame toilet sink bed,
you get to lie there for hours and dwell on the past, and think about the
future. I think this is worse. The girl of my dreams is laying beside me and
all I want to do is hold her but I’m too afraid to. I don’t think I want have
*** with her until its healed fully. This is the longest night I have ever gone
through. I still don’t know why I have Facebook it just angers me especially
because of Natasha’s tattoo I should have never commented on it I keep getting
notifications of people replying on it. Like wow people it’s a tattoo, ink
preeminently placed on your skin. Wow just out of curiosity it could cost her $300-500
to get it removed by laser. Now I hope she can live with it. I talked to my dad
tonight for a couple min and his advice is your being silly, everyone makes
choices and they have to live with it, and everyone needs space to do what they
want. So I figure she does her thing does that mean I’m allowed to smoke weed
once and a while and drink in larger quantities I remember in the past with Travis
here she cut me off after I think 5 drinks not all that much in each one. I
don’t smoke weed I got tired of the shit that went down with it, wasn’t worth
the fight with Natasha. She said as long as she knew about it she was okay but
I knew she didn’t like it so I just stopped maybe for a good thing. Maybe I’m
jealous of her she has the balls to do what she wants, me I am afraid I don’t
know if that’s the right word. Its only 10:27 oh my god tonight needs to go by
faster I can’t stand it her being so close yet so far away. Its torture simple
as that my greed in wanting to be around her blinded me to this. This isn’t
right I can’t believe how hard this is, I had a thought to wake her up and get
her to go into the other room but that’s just plane rude on so many levels. Hey
I can’t sleep with you in this room. That screams out pathetic in so many
levels. Is that what I am pathetic. Natasha has made some new friends this year
which is cool. But out of all the friends I made last year I only talk to two. Samantha,
and Dave. Dave so funny when he’s drunk he loses all short term memory.  Its 10:31 now at least time is moving Natasha
rolled over she looks so peaceful just looking at her reminds me how I fell in
love with her. She said she agreed with our kids being 20 before getting a
tattoo but I can’t do that, make her a hypocrite. Nothing feels right anymore,
I can’t focus its like I’m waking up into reality for the first time in my
life. From being in the matrix and I don’t want it I wanna go back into the
matrix where everything seems okay even if it’s a lie. I don’t actually mean
that I’m just a prisoner tonight a prisoner in my own room. Reminds me of Adam
and Eden just a different thing, the temptation is me grapping and holding Natasha.
But I know better, or at least that’s what I have convinced myself. I am
thinking about going for a walk and just disappearing for the night, get back
around 5. But I don’t know where I would go or what I would do. She looks so
peaceful like nothing’s changed. But to her nothing has she just did one thing
she wanted in life but why does it feel so different  to me, am I over thinking about it. Mixed
with jealousy and regret. Maybe I should just drink the bottle of whisky that
helps people stop thinking. No I won’t though I don’t want to rely on alcohol I
don’t want to be like my family alcoholic jerks. I pray to god it’s been a long
time since I ever did, I asked him to give me the wisdom to help me through
this. I have tears, I think its caused from the pain in my head maybe I’m
thinking so much that it actually hurts, tattoos are permanent unless otherwise
they never move, never change always their unless altered they may fade a bit
but can be brought back.  But humans
change, time changes us, we get jobs, families, grand kids, and then death, but
if taken care of that tattoo is still there. I keep thinking about god for some
reason I’m not a strong believer, but I would like to see the future, nowhere
my path takes me a chance to change it make it better I don’t know. I fear for
the future, I seriously thought I would be okay with it, but for some reason I’m
not, it’s so stupid I know but what can I do I feel horrible she actually
wanted me to be there and I didn’t go for selfish reasons then I wanted to be
petty show her how it feels to be left out of something like getting a tattoo.
It’s a horrible thought and she didn’t mean to hurt me she never does, but I
have hurt her I know that I haven’t forgiven myself for hurting her and yet
here she is sleeping next to me like nothings happened, what makes her so much
different than me. Why is she so positive about things. I feel sick again all
this thinking is puzzling. I look at her and I lose all sense of time, such
beauty and she is willing to be with me. I think she deserves better, but she
doesn’t care, she’s happy with me.


May 4, 2013 at 12:49 am

I feel you bro, you're not alone, shits complicated