Author Posts

November 17, 2015 at 2:48 am

I feel like I am not enough. For anyone. Not a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, human being. There are times when I think things are going well and then suddenly I get struck down by this overwhelming feeling that I am not enough.
It’s like I am conditioned to tear my own happiness apart. Like I’m self destructing everything I’ve ever done to have some kind of happiness.
I’ve been like this since I was pretty young. Doesn’t help that I actually WAS conditioned to self-destruct. Most of my youth I heard I was ugly, I was stupid, I wasn’t worth the effort, not to mention all the horrible names I got called because I couldn’t hold my bladder, or because I was “too skinny”.
People can be truly hateful, but it’s worse when it’s the people you love who are conditioning you to hate yourself. I have battled with my self loathing for a whole lot of years, and just when I think I have it licked, some silly petty shit happens to bring it all right back.
I feel so damn weak when I get like this! Makes me hate myself even more. Depression sucks, there I “said” it happy now haters?! Hope so because you’re a part of the problem. I try to be a good person, I try to keep an open mind, because I know first hand what it’s like to be treated like shit by people you thought were friends, or by people who are supposed to love you “unconditionally”. Except they do have conditions, expectations if you will. If you don’t live up to those expectations then you’re not good enough to be acknowledged as family OR friend. Hell you’re barely enough to be an acquaintance… if your existence is even acknowledged at all.
Seriously, I really detest feeling like this, but I know it’all all blow over once “Aunt Flow” goes away again. Then I can go back to living behind my mask. ??

November 17, 2015 at 7:18 am

Wow, what a horrible way to feel 🙁  I remember feeling the same way growing up where nothing was ever good enough.  I’m past it now and hopefully someday you will be also.  I just needed to be around the right pepole, then I began to love myself and realize, I was the only one who could make things right for me.  I no longer care what others think of me, so I have become a person very comfortable with myself, flaws and all…..we all have them.

I will tell you something you are very good at, you are a true writter, very articulate with excellent grammar.

Peace and Love