Author Posts

May 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

There is silence in my home right now, because my husband is sleeping on the couch and we aren't speaking.  My life in one word: mediocrity.  It really sucks to look at your life and realize that you settled for no good reason.  Not that there is ever really a good reason to settle, but really, I had nothing pushing me to it.  I like my car, but that's about it, and that's really sad.  All of the important things in my life: husband, career, friendships…all of them are a disappointment.  I left one sad situation just to land myself in another one of my own making.  I look at the man sleeping next to me in the bed and I think, “Really?  This is it then.  Wow.”  Not that I'm some great prize.  I am heavier now then I have ever been in my life, and its not hard to figure out why.  Depression will do that to you, especially if you are in denial about it.  The worst part is, I'm stuck in this life.  I promised myself that I would never get a divorce like my parents did, that when I got married it would be for the rest of my life.  So instead I spend my nights dreaming of being with someone else, and I wake up and just want to kill myself because I hate my life, and I did it to myself.  How could I have been so blind?  Now we talk about having children, and all I can think of is how much harder it will be to leave if there are kids in the picture.  I am a horrible, selfish, sad excuse for a human being and I don't know how to make it better.  I pray and ask God to make me satisfied with my life.  Truly, He has blessed me even when I don't even begin to deserve it.  I have nothing to complain about, really.  I just don't understand, and I really needed to put that into words without anyone knowing who I am or how I really feel.  Because this is it for me.  No one can ever know.  I can't let everyone down, I just have to suck it up and be a big girl.  Maybe there is someone out there who knows how I feel.

May 29, 2012 at 6:29 am

hi i dont think for one minute that i know how you feel. but just a little sugestion. tommorow do something for yourself, something just for you, just a little treat, just a little time just for you, you derseve it, for to love our self is to know how to love another. i  hope tommorow is your day, a happy day remember you deserve it