Thank goodness there is a site that allows me to vent! I have a long one, but I know once I write it out it will make me feel sooo good inside.
Any who, I don't get a long well with my immediate family. I have a completely different outlook on life and way of thinking. I can't sit down with them and have a decent conversation about things that interest me, or my problems. They act like they don't give a damn and normally walk away; or in one case I wanted to watch a show with my mom and she decided to watch 15 mins of it, turn the lights off, and go to bed without saying a word to me. Just left me in the dark — real nice, huh?
Unfortunately I had been laid off of my job and been living with them, going on 5 months now, and I feel like I am going batty!
This past summer I went over to England to attend a 2 month university course and to see my boyfriend of 10 months and our friends. I enjoyed life so much! It was wonderful waking up not feeling stressed and depressed about my life. That time came and gone and now I am back home in this rut with my folks. All they talk about is how wonderful my brother is. They say that he will do great things in his life and that he will be successful — right in front of me! They don't say shit about me. I asked mom if she talked about me when I was away, and she downright said, “no. I never talked about you”. That makes me feel real great.
I have been working full time and going to college part time, and paying the majority of tuition and books out of pocket, to try and obtain my degree with no help from them because they wanted me to go off and work for the state right out of high school. They don't support me in my endeavors and think that college is just a dream of mine. My brother doesn't understand where I am coming from either because the military pays for his courses and materials. Then they ask me when I am suppose to graduate, and why I haven't all ready. Duh, I have no support or help. I am financing on my own.
Another frustration of mine is the fact that I miss my boyfriend, and it's hard having a long distance relationship. But… it's not him that I am frustrated with, it's my mom giving me a hard time about the distance between us. She told me tonight that she was pissed off that I had him coming to stay with me at their house for Thanksgiving and how she doesn't want any body to come over (which is odd in itself). She asked me when I was going to give up on this relationship and settle at home with a good state job and somebody from my town. Piss on that! I absolutely love my boyfriend. I don't want anybody else but him in my life, and we have become serious about getting married. This will be his first time meeting my whole family, and I just want them to like him and be nice to him. I am really worried about the whole thing. Not only that but I told mom back in September that I was thinking about going over and spending Christmas in England with my boyfriend and tonight I told her again that I was going to go over (i bought my ticket about a month ago) and she flipped out on me. So I stumbled over my words and said that I hadn't gotten the ticket yet, but was thinking about it. Now I am lieing and I don't like doing that just to please her or any one; which made me feel untrue to myself because I will have to tell them that I am going over for 2 weeks for Christmas anyways. BAHHHHHHH. My family doesn't have a big Christmas bash, we do that on Thanksgiving. Normally we open presents and then everyone goes off and does their own thing.
I am frustrated at the fact that I am a twenty-something adult, trying to find a job (searching very hard, and ready to work at McDonalds), I am trying to get through school as best as I can, keep a healthy long distance relationship with my boyfriend and bestfriend, and NOT try to let my mother and her nasty little comments get to me. She's always telling me what to do, and she's never very nice to me. She makes me so nervous and stressed out. I feel like I always have to watch what I say around her or she'll bite my head off. I gritted my teeth as I accepted her friend invite on Facebook, and lo and behold she came rushing downstairs because I had posted something with the words “evolution” in it. Then she told me how concerned she was, and how she didn't like seeing things like that, how she's a creationist and a Christian. Once again I stumbled over my words to make things better with her and told her that I don't believe in evolution; even though I do and that's my opinion. I deceived myself again and it made me feel terrible just to defuse a situation.
I wish I could just let it all go, but for some reason it sits and stews in me and I over think it and then I get stressed and upset. I want to do things that make me happy, and I don't want her to give me a hard time about it. I just want to be myself, and I can't be that way around her or the rest of my family because my view points are different and they don't understand my side of things.
I have no clue what their reaction will be like when I tell them that I am engaged, getting married and moving over to the United Kingdom with my future husband. It's imminent, we have discussed it in detail for 3 or so months now. He's all ready asked me, and I have said “yes”. We have done the research and figured out that by the end of next year we would like to get hitched, get my UK visa and live in England because at the moment he has the better job – he has one.
I just wish things wouldn't get to me. It's driving me insane and I can't wait to start working again just to get out and do something away from them. All I want is to have all of these feelings of stress and fears that my mom is going to be mean and nasty to me just fly away. I don't want to feel like I am on pins and needles around her or my family any more, and I have no idea how to help myself do that. I talk with my boyfriend a lot about my feelings and he wants to help, but all he can do is listen — which is nice and it does make me feel wonderful to get it out but I don't want that to stress on our relationship. Maybe counseling would be the trick, if I had the money, but for now I just needed to vent.
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