You know, I feel like I will probably be the first millennial to die since I have the least social connections out of all of them. I was a depressed teen. By depressed I mean constantly miserable but I did have happy moments. It wasn’t like I was going through some mental illness, but that I was depressed in the sense that I was having such foul days sometimes. I was in a funk for the most part. I was unhappy and though it is common to say that men don’t cry, guess what? I did cry. How embarrassing to admit. I don’t care if anyone on here or elsewhere are going to talk about me behind my back and think I am feminine but it hurt me to the point where I broke into tears. I was so pissed off at my friends. My first year as a freshman in high school was just terrible. I had no friends. Well, one friend, but he ended up moving away to another city. Then he transferred schools. Sophomore year is when I had to make new friends. I was all alone again. I had relocated several times in my life. I was alone for a while and struggled to make friends. I was telling people, even my peers, that I was so lonely. They just looked at me like nothing was wrong with me or that I was not upset at all. My concerns were the least important. I struggled with school, I couldn’t concentrate, I constantly listened to sad music, I constantly complained, I just had an anger problem. Junior year came, it was a bit better, since my grades were getting better, but before that, I was focused on forming relationships so much that I neglected all the important things in my life. I didn’t get my priorities straight. I had a few friends now. Then senior year came and I took all the easy courses. I got my rejection letters from a few universities I so wished to attend. I didn’t do any extracurriculars back then, or community service, and my personal statements were riddled with errors. I was just upset I cried. I thought to myself,”I had wasted those first two years of my life for people who were not worth it.” I then realized that high school isn’t forever. 99% of them are not going to be there anyway afterward, so relationships formed in high school aren’t going to last and we eventually disperse. Even in college, you may not see most of your friends again. I thought,”Why make them? You rarely get to see them. Besides, you’ll be working so much that you won’t have time to hang out with them, other than on the weekend. Even if you’re available, they might be busy.” I figured that once we hit our 30s and 40s, we will not be available for each other because we will be spending time with families so that makes it harder. I thought I have never lived my youth. If I ever grow old without a spouse, I will die alone with no one to bury me and they might just as well cremate me afterward. Just saying. This is just sad. I keep thinking negatively because I can’t see another way of thinking more positively.
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