Author Posts

April 17, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I just wanted a place to let everything out. I have been married for 11 years when my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming I had thought about it many times in the past but I loved him and after all we had made it through I couldn’t give up now. But he had different plans. So I packed up and left. We have been separated for 6 months now. In that time period he has managed to get himself in jail. Lost his job, his home, crashed his car, 4 court dates and majorly in debt. I stopped taking care of him and he fell apart. I loved him with all that I had to give him. But now it is clear to me that he never really loved me. It hurts and is probably the most painful thing I have been through. I had to watch him move his girlfriend in with him only 2 months after he said he wanted a divorce. 12 years and he was over me before he even told me. Well friends Karma is a pretty awesome thing because he got what he deserved. I also realized that even though I may still love him and miss him he was not a good person to me. I deserve better. So I happened to meet a man a few weeks ago. He is hot. He seemed interested in me. We hooked up. He stayed the night with me and it was nice. I didn’t have to sleep alone. He didnt ask for my number or anything so I figured I wouldnt hear from him again. But he called me a few day later. We went for a walk and talked. He was recently seperated from his wife of 6 years. She. Cheated on him. Obviously I am not a complete idiot. I knew I was playing with fire but I felt happy. He treated me right. He listened to me. We made plans to hang out again. I picked him up after I was done working. He stayed 2 nights with me. I was on cloud nine. However the next night I ended up at the place he was staying because of some mutual friends. Well that night I found out that he was going to give his wife another chance. I was upset that I allowed myself to like him. He called me a few days later and asked how I was doing but now I see it was more of a good-bye it’s nothing personal I enjoyed our time together and don’t regret it call. So even as I sit here hopping against all hope that he and his wife are fighting I know they are probably sleeping after a night of love making. I just wish I knew why I can’t keep any guy that I am actually interested in. I feel I have a lot to offer and give. I have been told by a lot of people that I am a good person. But I guess it’s all talk. Obviously this guy and I wasnt going to be let’s get married any time soon but the things he said to me led me to believe it was more then just him using me to get back at his wife. He said he was in a monogamous relationship with me and the next night he is back to his wife. Ugh so here I lay alone in my bed while all these jerks just used me and left me and I am somehow not supposed to take it personally. Right I will get right on that. I realize it hasn’t been long enough for me to even be looking for a relationship and I need to get legally divorced and resolve my past before I can move forward into the future. But time keeps ticking away and it really sucks being alone all the time. So I have stooped lower then I ever thought possible. In the midst of this stupid drama I lost my job so in my desperation for money and attention I did something I am not proud of. I had an offer I couldnt refuse from a friend. But once again I am alone. I always feel so alone. I am a good person and I do have a lot to offer someone but there is just something about me that isn’t lovable. I want to fix it but I don’t know what it is. I dont know how to fix it. I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself. I just wish I could find someone who loves me for me and wouldn’t always leave me and toss me aside like yesterday’s trash.