Still walking said on January 9, 2019
I have a depressive and anxiety disorder. I'm fighting back tears just from typing that out. I hate it. Last month, my state insurance dropped my coverage without warning. I've had a chronic sinus infection since August 2018 and had a surgery scheduled (sinuplasty) that promised eventual relief. The day after I learned I needed surgery for a damn neverending sinus infection, I learned I need oral surgery because the root of the only wisdom tooth I have is dangerously close to the facial nerve governing the right side of my face.
Cue insurance cancellation notice.
Cue panicked scrambling for paperwork to file appeal.
Enter New Year.
Receive denial of appeal.
ENT specialist cancels surgery due to loss of insurance.
Now comes a desperate effort to receive insurance coverage through husband's employer. I am in limbo, waiting.
In limbo, I have no medication for the depression, anxiety, or sinus infection. It's all building up and I'm struggling. My family tries hard to be supportive but this whole mess is a huge burden. It's like constantly carrying a 30ft long board across my shoulders. Sure, I'm the one carrying it. But they have to move around it. It takes up their space, and is impossible to ignore. Because it limits me, they have to pitch in and do things on my behalf. They don't have to say anything out loud. I know what a nuisance it is, because it tells me all the time. It whispers in the back of mind, never allowing me to forget that my burden is a massive inconvenience for those I love.
This is my giant, 30ft long board. And it's heavy. It's hurting me to carry it. I keep moving forward because I don't want to be weak. I don't want this board to break me. But I am so very, very tired.
I used to talk about it with friends and family. It gets a little lighter when I manage the courage to acknowledge its existence. Then I noticed what was really happening was I was taking chunks of my board and putting it on someone else's shoulders, forcing them to carry a part of it around, too. Sometimes they gave me permission to do that, but after a while I could see the strain it caused them. Intimately familiar with how awful it is to carry that around, I felt guilty. And when they forgot about it, when they absentmindedly put that chunk down in order to tend to their own burdens, I stayed quiet. Even though that meant the weight was immediately transferred back to me.
The medications made my burden lighter, too. And I was so thankful, because that was a solution that didn't hurt anyone. But…now those are gone.
I know that somewhere up ahead is relief. The husband's insurance will kick in, I can get my meds back, have the surgery, feel better. I don't know *when* or how long I'm going to have to trudge along like this. And I'm realizing that I can't hold out forever. My mind and body have limits I have no control over. I'm not invincible. I'm human.
And I'm desperate.
That's why I'm writing this. Because I need to acknowledge this damn 30ft board, without forcing any more burden on those around me. Because if I have to watch them struggle, it will wear out my resolve even faster, and for all our sake's I can't do that.
NRAGOA all the way! said on January 23, 2019
As a WV gun owner I'm proud of our F rating with the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence.
BUSTUNIONS said on January 23, 2019
So a labor union tried to unionize a local non profit in my town. When the chairperson (who is my aunt) voted no, she found her car vandalized the next day. Well, my family and I couldn't have that. So we traveled to their headquarters, out of state, and set it on fire. If they come back, they'll get more trouble than they could have ever asked for.
God bless Trump and all right wing governments who have curbed their power and exposed them for the shit they really are.
howardstorage said on February 5, 2019
Valuable information and excellent design you got here! I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts into the stuff you post!!
Wow said on February 11, 2019
I can deal with assholes, frankly they’re unavoidable honestly. However, I cannot stand the fuck about dumbshits who are apparently “adults” but know less shit than the average 10 year old. I cannot at all understand how people of the same age and experiences, of at least secondary school, how they were able to graduate at all. Imagine being in your twenties and you still don’t know the difference between their and there and they’re, despite being born in an English speaking country, with English speaking parents, going to English speaking schools and English the only language they “know”.
.*Deep Inhale* said on February 19, 2019
Goodness, what is it with this site and all the triggered homophobes?
stupidme said on March 16, 2019
at first i typed out all my frustrations, but as i typed i realized that i brought it all on myself. no one forced me to marry him, no one forced me to believe all the crap i believed. i chose to do so.
soulmate is another word for the new lover
love is another word for stupid
now i have no husband. no love. no security. no nothing. just my own stupidity.
fromRussiaWithLove said on March 17, 2019
I'm studying abroad in St Petersburg right now which has been a lifelong goal of mine. And I'm loving it. I have a history of depression and it's showing sometimes. I have days I don't feel like doing anything. My boyfriend of 3 years is not doing so well though. We moved in together a few months before I left and he was doing a lot better but now he has totally relapsed. I miss him lots but he hasn't been able to talk about anything without being upset and we have only called once since I came here almost two months ago. And he has a countdown until I come back but it gives me mixed feelings. I feel bad that I'm not struggling like he is or that I'm happy even though he is so upset. And I'm really conflicted about the countdown. I know that's codependency and it scares me but I can't help it. I hate myself for feeling this way but I don't know what to do.
BETO2020 said on March 19, 2019
Why can't Americans be more like New Zealanders? They're voluntarily giving up their assault rifles because they love their fellow man so much that they don't want to risk misuse and another massacre. They know those weapons have no place in a civilized society. This is why strict gun control is needed in the U.S.
Because Americans are so selfish and stuck in the past force is needed to get weapons of war out of our neighborhoods and off our streets. I'm sick and tired of hearing about mass shootings here and anywhere in the developed world. Stop saying "second amendment." f*** your second amendment. f*** you for keeping your head up your a**. f*** you for supporting murder of children and minorities. Seriously, if you're the "from my cold dead hands" type, then FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!
Zambonikid97 said on March 19, 2019
I fell for someone in the summer and got friend zoned did not get over her all the way through but became really close to her. We talked a lot everyday and soon something changed, She got mad a lot and i felt like i was the problem but never did anything wrong. By Christmas she had basically fully ghosted me and even when i was at work she would ignore me. I felt for the first time upset at this person but she went off on me. The guy she wanted to be with (not me) didn't want her for a relationship, her mom was dealing with issues as well. Soon days turned to weeks turned to months and after a while i felt better, until she decided to come back. She said she missed my friendship and missed how close we were and felt super bad about everything. she felt her new guy friend (an old close friend of mine) helped her with that. Im hurt my friend who knew how i felt about her yet I know she will hurt me again when something happens. I know i need to get rid of her and my friends agree, I just want the friendship back i had and yet i know and so did she that it was dead and she wants to fix it. I did too or at least i thought i did. know i dont really want anything to do with her and i dont know what it is? My brain and my heart hurt to do it but i know in the end it will be the best. Goodbye to someone that destroyed my heart and wasted my whole summer…
Beans said on March 21, 2019
Man shouldn’t lie with another man
Guest said on April 23, 2018
Beans: No one fucking cares. This isn't a place of judgement, dipshit. Let them vent if they need to vent.
Beans said on April 25, 2018
Guest: don’t be gay
biggay said on February 16, 2019
fuck you man
*Deep Inhale* said on February 19, 2019
Duuuude… you do realize that repeating your opinion over and over like a scratched record doesn't make anyone want to respect it?
BEANS said on February 21, 2019
MAN SHOULDN'T LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN
CM ANONYMOUS said on March 22, 2019
okay im 16 and I live with my mom and step-dad and 2 younger brothers and an older sister and her daughter and im caucasian and im not a bad kid AT ALL and never have been, i get good grades i am good to her and i respect her and others, but yet she can still find a way to put me down and yell or cuss at me its like it brings her so much joy to see me cry because of her every single day. At one point i was so so happy and never had to fake a smile but now i have no real smiles except for when im with Ren (my boyfriend) he is my only reason to even be here at all anymore and im so sick of being upset and pushed around all the time, elementary school and 6th grade was amazing then she just started being so violent and hateful and rude to me, how can you be so cruel to your own child??!! The person YOU created, how can you treat them the way she treats me? This isnt even half the stuff she does, i was on the phone with a friend sunday night i believe and JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS BLACK she took my phone and refuses to give it back, she is so freaking racist and i cant deal with it. She will not control and take over me and she will not continue to act the way she does just because i have a friend of a different race. She DAILY tells me she cant stand me, im a b****, stupid a**, f***ing idiot, every name she can think of she calls me it on the daily. i try so hard to act happy around other people but i cant do it anymore! i dont know what to do man its killing me, literally.
Lost In Chevron said on March 23, 2019
I am trying to get a new job and my leadership keeps shooting me down. I am stuck here because i dont want to loose my pension. Any advise. You can see where my coworkers have posted some of the other concerns here https://www.thelayoff.com/chevron. I would like to hear other peoples post.
Beans said on March 25, 2019
Two men laying together naked are sick. That's gross. Man shouldn't lie with another man. It's a sin. Thank you.
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