Still walking said on January 9, 2019
I have a depressive and anxiety disorder. I'm fighting back tears just from typing that out. I hate it. Last month, my state insurance dropped my coverage without warning. I've had a chronic sinus infection since August 2018 and had a surgery scheduled (sinuplasty) that promised eventual relief. The day after I learned I needed surgery for a damn neverending sinus infection, I learned I need oral surgery because the root of the only wisdom tooth I have is dangerously close to the facial nerve governing the right side of my face.
Cue insurance cancellation notice.
Cue panicked scrambling for paperwork to file appeal.
Enter New Year.
Receive denial of appeal.
ENT specialist cancels surgery due to loss of insurance.
Now comes a desperate effort to receive insurance coverage through husband's employer. I am in limbo, waiting.
In limbo, I have no medication for the depression, anxiety, or sinus infection. It's all building up and I'm struggling. My family tries hard to be supportive but this whole mess is a huge burden. It's like constantly carrying a 30ft long board across my shoulders. Sure, I'm the one carrying it. But they have to move around it. It takes up their space, and is impossible to ignore. Because it limits me, they have to pitch in and do things on my behalf. They don't have to say anything out loud. I know what a nuisance it is, because it tells me all the time. It whispers in the back of mind, never allowing me to forget that my burden is a massive inconvenience for those I love.
This is my giant, 30ft long board. And it's heavy. It's hurting me to carry it. I keep moving forward because I don't want to be weak. I don't want this board to break me. But I am so very, very tired.
I used to talk about it with friends and family. It gets a little lighter when I manage the courage to acknowledge its existence. Then I noticed what was really happening was I was taking chunks of my board and putting it on someone else's shoulders, forcing them to carry a part of it around, too. Sometimes they gave me permission to do that, but after a while I could see the strain it caused them. Intimately familiar with how awful it is to carry that around, I felt guilty. And when they forgot about it, when they absentmindedly put that chunk down in order to tend to their own burdens, I stayed quiet. Even though that meant the weight was immediately transferred back to me.
The medications made my burden lighter, too. And I was so thankful, because that was a solution that didn't hurt anyone. But…now those are gone.
I know that somewhere up ahead is relief. The husband's insurance will kick in, I can get my meds back, have the surgery, feel better. I don't know *when* or how long I'm going to have to trudge along like this. And I'm realizing that I can't hold out forever. My mind and body have limits I have no control over. I'm not invincible. I'm human.
And I'm desperate.
That's why I'm writing this. Because I need to acknowledge this damn 30ft board, without forcing any more burden on those around me. Because if I have to watch them struggle, it will wear out my resolve even faster, and for all our sake's I can't do that.
NRAGOA all the way! said on January 23, 2019
As a WV gun owner I'm proud of our F rating with the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence.
BUSTUNIONS said on January 23, 2019
So a labor union tried to unionize a local non profit in my town. When the chairperson (who is my aunt) voted no, she found her car vandalized the next day. Well, my family and I couldn't have that. So we traveled to their headquarters, out of state, and set it on fire. If they come back, they'll get more trouble than they could have ever asked for.
God bless Trump and all right wing governments who have curbed their power and exposed them for the shit they really are.
howardstorage said on February 5, 2019
Valuable information and excellent design you got here! I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts into the stuff you post!!
Wow said on February 11, 2019
I can deal with assholes, frankly they’re unavoidable honestly. However, I cannot stand the fuck about dumbshits who are apparently “adults” but know less shit than the average 10 year old. I cannot at all understand how people of the same age and experiences, of at least secondary school, how they were able to graduate at all. Imagine being in your twenties and you still don’t know the difference between their and there and they’re, despite being born in an English speaking country, with English speaking parents, going to English speaking schools and English the only language they “know”.
.*Deep Inhale* said on February 19, 2019
Goodness, what is it with this site and all the triggered homophobes?
stupidme said on March 16, 2019
at first i typed out all my frustrations, but as i typed i realized that i brought it all on myself. no one forced me to marry him, no one forced me to believe all the crap i believed. i chose to do so.
soulmate is another word for the new lover
love is another word for stupid
now i have no husband. no love. no security. no nothing. just my own stupidity.
fromRussiaWithLove said on March 17, 2019
I'm studying abroad in St Petersburg right now which has been a lifelong goal of mine. And I'm loving it. I have a history of depression and it's showing sometimes. I have days I don't feel like doing anything. My boyfriend of 3 years is not doing so well though. We moved in together a few months before I left and he was doing a lot better but now he has totally relapsed. I miss him lots but he hasn't been able to talk about anything without being upset and we have only called once since I came here almost two months ago. And he has a countdown until I come back but it gives me mixed feelings. I feel bad that I'm not struggling like he is or that I'm happy even though he is so upset. And I'm really conflicted about the countdown. I know that's codependency and it scares me but I can't help it. I hate myself for feeling this way but I don't know what to do.
BETO2020 said on March 19, 2019
Why can't Americans be more like New Zealanders? They're voluntarily giving up their assault rifles because they love their fellow man so much that they don't want to risk misuse and another massacre. They know those weapons have no place in a civilized society. This is why strict gun control is needed in the U.S.
Because Americans are so selfish and stuck in the past force is needed to get weapons of war out of our neighborhoods and off our streets. I'm sick and tired of hearing about mass shootings here and anywhere in the developed world. Stop saying "second amendment." f*** your second amendment. f*** you for keeping your head up your a**. f*** you for supporting murder of children and minorities. Seriously, if you're the "from my cold dead hands" type, then FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!
Zambonikid97 said on March 19, 2019
I fell for someone in the summer and got friend zoned did not get over her all the way through but became really close to her. We talked a lot everyday and soon something changed, She got mad a lot and i felt like i was the problem but never did anything wrong. By Christmas she had basically fully ghosted me and even when i was at work she would ignore me. I felt for the first time upset at this person but she went off on me. The guy she wanted to be with (not me) didn't want her for a relationship, her mom was dealing with issues as well. Soon days turned to weeks turned to months and after a while i felt better, until she decided to come back. She said she missed my friendship and missed how close we were and felt super bad about everything. she felt her new guy friend (an old close friend of mine) helped her with that. Im hurt my friend who knew how i felt about her yet I know she will hurt me again when something happens. I know i need to get rid of her and my friends agree, I just want the friendship back i had and yet i know and so did she that it was dead and she wants to fix it. I did too or at least i thought i did. know i dont really want anything to do with her and i dont know what it is? My brain and my heart hurt to do it but i know in the end it will be the best. Goodbye to someone that destroyed my heart and wasted my whole summer…
Beans said on March 21, 2019
Man shouldn’t lie with another man
Guest said on April 23, 2018
Beans: No one fucking cares. This isn't a place of judgement, dipshit. Let them vent if they need to vent.
Beans said on April 25, 2018
Guest: don’t be gay
biggay said on February 16, 2019
fuck you man
*Deep Inhale* said on February 19, 2019
Duuuude… you do realize that repeating your opinion over and over like a scratched record doesn't make anyone want to respect it?
BEANS said on February 21, 2019
MAN SHOULDN'T LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN
CM ANONYMOUS said on March 22, 2019
okay im 16 and I live with my mom and step-dad and 2 younger brothers and an older sister and her daughter and im caucasian and im not a bad kid AT ALL and never have been, i get good grades i am good to her and i respect her and others, but yet she can still find a way to put me down and yell or cuss at me its like it brings her so much joy to see me cry because of her every single day. At one point i was so so happy and never had to fake a smile but now i have no real smiles except for when im with Ren (my boyfriend) he is my only reason to even be here at all anymore and im so sick of being upset and pushed around all the time, elementary school and 6th grade was amazing then she just started being so violent and hateful and rude to me, how can you be so cruel to your own child??!! The person YOU created, how can you treat them the way she treats me? This isnt even half the stuff she does, i was on the phone with a friend sunday night i believe and JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS BLACK she took my phone and refuses to give it back, she is so freaking racist and i cant deal with it. She will not control and take over me and she will not continue to act the way she does just because i have a friend of a different race. She DAILY tells me she cant stand me, im a b****, stupid a**, f***ing idiot, every name she can think of she calls me it on the daily. i try so hard to act happy around other people but i cant do it anymore! i dont know what to do man its killing me, literally.
Lost In Chevron said on March 23, 2019
I am trying to get a new job and my leadership keeps shooting me down. I am stuck here because i dont want to loose my pension. Any advise. You can see where my coworkers have posted some of the other concerns here https://www.thelayoff.com/chevron. I would like to hear other peoples post.
Beans said on March 25, 2019
Two men laying together naked are sick. That's gross. Man shouldn't lie with another man. It's a sin. Thank you.
Some elf girl said on May 13, 2019
We get it, you hate the Big Gay. Now stop constantly commenting the same thing and go get a life. 🙂
Beans said on May 19, 2019
MAN SHOULDN’T LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN FAGGOT
dumbass said on March 29, 2019
its spring break. celebrated my birthday recently. nothing bad happened. the entire day i couldnt help but think, "i hope i dont live to see another birthday." things seem pointless. my life is just me rushing to keep up with assignments. i forget them or do them wrong or do them bad and then i have 2 As left. i know im dont trying my best but i havent known how to be my best for what, 2 years now? all my classes interest me and ive had an insatiable desire to learn for as long as i can remember. yet still i can hardly stay awake in them. i sleep the recommended amount of hours yet every day i feel worn out and exhausted. i can barely focus on my work and i barely find the energy to finish them, even if i know exactly what to write. dont get me wrong, i think im decently smart. i had straight As for nearly 8 years and if I pay attention in class I perfectly understand the topic. like i mentioned before, its spring break. theres no work to worry about. but i still feel empty. i think its because i know its temporary. im counting the days until i go back, and then its the same thing all over again until i can barely take it, and then another break. my friends keep me going. distractions like RTgames or TED talks or stardew valley keep me going. i dont think id kill myself (on account of being a wuss) but if i died i think id hardly mind. im glad my friends can still talk to me online because my parents absolutely fucking hate them and my mom will do anything to keep me from them. which is weird, because most of them are grade-oriented, religious, respectful, or a combination of the 3. it doesnt help that my mom constantly fatshames me and makes me feel like a useless ingrate.
i know what people would (probably) reply. youre probably depressed and need to seek professional help.
i know. ive tried. my parents wont take me. it took my teachers calling my parents about it to even get a dent in their decision. my mom thinks itll ruin all my chances at a future if i get this on my record, and my dad things its just plain old teen angst. i dont know what could convince them i need help, considering that the faded scars make me look like a fucking zebra (which is to say, it was a lot and it was bad). im doomed.
MoveOn4000 said on April 1, 2019
Sometimes life can get you down. People avoid me at school, no one sits with me at lunch and my only friend just moved away. I suffered with depression and my parents didn’t think I had it either. I was close to giving everything up. But one thing helped me get past it, I know someone loves me. Someone loves you too.
NotHateful said on March 30, 2019
ppl who hate transgender people just be stayin up at night foamin at the mouth over other peoples genitals
Beans said on April 2, 2019
Man shouldn't lie with another man
secrets unleaded said on April 4, 2019
They all lie, they call themselves vegetarian vampires when they drink animal blood and I know all you "veggie" is watching me, but those who know Draculaura you will know why I hate story stealers and those who call themselves vegetarian when in fact they drink animal blood. and I know whoever is reading this will just add a harsh comment, or just read and pass but if your negative at least put in all the facts, even the different timelines, different earths, more than one earth people, as well as so many things I could go on and on the list that all is possible forever, I love you all but please stop lying.. we all know Draculaura and those who follow her acts of being truthful she is a real Cullen in GOD EYES AND THOSE WHO ACT AS SHE EATS, is the real clan of the Cullens, and the vegetarian, and vegan, so all you stop giving me a hard time, there is so much evolving taking place, robots lie.. a lot . and I am not bitter I am honest as much as you can handle, ALSO KEEP TALKING, BUT PLEASE DRACULAURA IS REAL AS I KNOW BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO LIVE AS SHE DOES 🙂 I MAY DIE BUT I AM STILL IMMORTAL. SO I WILL BE WATCHING ALL OF YOU FOREVER 🙂 just saying I am not crazy. drinking blood is frowned upon on even in the 1800s so it's not anything new i am saying. so i heard you speaking so i posted again. blood is infected now!!!!! stop drinking animal blood.. the truth is being exposed as i speak.
Unionbuster2000 said on April 4, 2019
Bust your local union!
Right to work right to work!!
Beans said on April 9, 2019
Man should lie with another man
Starwars said on April 17, 2019
I am too stressed with life. I am in the seventh grade and am pretty busy for my age. I have five dance classes a week, and I've been leveling up in dance so fast it's hard to keep up. I'm just not used to this. I've tried to stay a good student but it's getting harder and harder. My parents say how it's disappointing, heartbreaking, and unacceptable. Sometimes I just want to yell at them at say how do you think i feel. I love dance and it's my escape. But it's getting in the way of homework, and I'm afraid that if i tell anyone that dance is the problem, they'll take me out. That will make it worse. Things have been hard since my family moved, I switched schools, and I'm not able to see my only true friend anymore. My family has changed and so have i. I wish we could be how we used to be.
Some elf girl said on April 19, 2019
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Just finished a big peice of digital art for a friend and because I'm a noob it's too big for a JPEG or PNG format. Soooo…. I cropped it and now my computer has crashed and is probably gonna explode if I do anything now. Greeaaaat! I literally spent hours and hours making it perfect and now this.
Some elf girl said on April 30, 2019
Honestly, can I express my opinion on something? I've never really understood what's with this whole "disorder pride" thing. As someone with… "issues" myself, I really don't see why people can be proud of such a thing; I could never force myself to be and that's why it kinda freaks me out when I see people who are.
I get why people want to be understood and respected and such. But at the end of the day it's a problem that you have to somehow figure out how to overcome, and really I think most of us who are being honest with ourselves just want it to be gone from our lives and identities. Ideally, we'd have a cure for mental illness/learning disabilities/etc. but for the most of them, there is none. It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you better than others, it's just… there whether you like it not.
Some elf girl said on May 9, 2019
Aw shucks, I screwed up. I didn't mean to make you feel powerless and that your love wasn't working, I didn't mean to make you think I was actually going to do… something awful! What I coouldn't tell you was that… I was literally scrolling through your profile page and looking at your art for hours, because sometimes it's the only thing that brings me back to life. It sounds so awful when I say it like that and because I love you, I don't want you to be creeped out. I know you owe me nothing. You've done more than enough. Your existence makes me so happy… and now I made you feel like I had no joy left at all! NO!!!
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey…. Kyle/Aspen/whatever you wanna be called…if it's not obvious by now, I need you like I've never needed anyone else in my whole life! I've almost given up before, but no… you're representative of hope for me! Jeez, when I said I loved you, I REALLY meant it. I love you to the end of the Earth… you're everything I find attractive in a person. You know… I always dreamed of finding someone like you, but I didn't think I would… oh, I wish you knew how much you difference you've made to my life! I wish I lived with you… I wish I was able to show you what a rare and beautiful thing you are.
Please, when I'm like this… I want to be taken care of. I won't say it, which is why I'm typing this here… and you're doing it. So well… if I respond back negatively, I just want you to continue…to tell me it's okay, you're here, you'll love me forever… I want to talk to you about every topic under the sun regardless of how silly. I want you to put up with my ramblings and you do. Oh… I wish I could just TELL you but I can't!!! AH, I LOVE WITH EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY SOUL. Even the most jaded and bitter part of my mind loves you to death. If you knew… ah, everything would be better.
By the way, there's not a lot I wouldn't do for you. I'll learn to walk on water. It can't be that hard, right? If you ever feel bad, I'll do ANYTHING to make you feel better… if I was here with you, I swear I'd take care of you as much as possible, and I'd make sure EVERYONE in your life knew how lucky they were to have you. This is all a fantasy… but I'll make it come true if it's the last thing I do.
Te amo. <3
Anon said on May 19, 2019
Went to another site to vent out my problems, at least its not filled with neo-nazis and radical christians, but people are toxic there too. Guess I can’t really vent anywhere anonymously where I won’t get some kind of shit on, huh
nazi said on May 19, 2019
Some elf girl said on June 8, 2019
I know how you feel. This place is a hell hole!
kamila. said on May 19, 2019
we love people who constantly talk shit about me behind my back, then play the victim card because i found out. we also love having "supportive" friends who are "willing to do something." apparently doing something is joining them.
i'm so fucking annoying.. i apologize. but i've known the person who joined them for almost 7 years and they've never pulled this shit until they met them.
mr. bubbles said on May 20, 2019
I think one of my co-workers is getting Alzheimer or something. She is acting weird, moodier than usual, and being a bit rude. Can't tell anyone at work, since we are so busy and it would be a weird thing to comment on but really over the last few months – i think she is on a downward spiral. She is over 55. I just had to let that angst out. I hate that no one socialized at work because we are too busy.
TheK said on May 20, 2019
I'm a half blind, type 1diabetic with full kidney failure on dialysis. I'm a 26yr old, I got diabetes when I was 3… I lost my job and with it almost everyone I considered a friend about a year ago. I had 2 best friends remaining and one decided to shoot himself in the head. Then my favorite kitten died. I've had some good things happen, I got married last year but my depression has gotten worse and disability is a joke so my new husband has to work 2 full time jobs to keep us afloat. That wonderful man is my savior everyday and the only thing that keeps me from giving up and letting myself die. I could never do that to him, not with how hard he fights for me. None the less, I am still alone. My other best friend just had another baby and shouldn't have to deal with my shit.im useless for housework, all I do is hurt. I might be able to get a double transplant but the only place I could go would be 3 1/2 hrs away and I'd have to stayz alone, for over two months with no money in an advancely weakened state and the idea terrified me.
witheredsunflower said on May 24, 2019
I became toxic.
For going through shitty situations since childhood until now (23 years old).
For having no one by my side.
For staying in this house and this city too long. (Should have left as soon you said: I can't wait for you to get a job and be gone!", when I was 16…last year of high school).
For meeting people that wasn't nice to me.
For seeing my parents choose others over me and all the time praising them.
For being a victim of my own parents bullying: "We can't talk about it, or else she gets jealous haha." "Are you mentally challenged?" "You can't and won't make it." "Incompetent, dumb, ugly."
For my mom using religion to inflict fear on me with a 'Divine Punishment' talk: "That's why nothing goes right for you, you don't seek God!" (I grew in a Catholic family, I never said that I stopped believing… I just became distant from the community, there's a lot of toxic people in Churches, too.)
For knowing the hypocrisy in my family.
For being made fun of by my "family", strangers and everyone.
For being the "too nice" type.
I guess I'll finally be free from this when I finally kill myself.
C Lumine said on May 24, 2019
If I fail again: I'll suicide this year, I'll be gone for good.
I'm done trying. I'm done being stuck. I'm done going nowhere. I'm done failing. I'm done proving true everything my parents said to me. I'm done. What's the point in living just to fail again and receive another "you are not able.". "I knew you would not make it." "There's no way to fix you. We had three children, 2 men and 1 woman… One was very complicated to deal with but at least he made it. The other, hmph…still troublesome, irresponsible, debts and debts, and we have to deal with the headache. Now, there's you. Never did anything, never will do."
I don't want to live if I have to see it again. I promise to myself, I won't waste time. Another toxic attitude and I'm leaving this world for once.
Heather said on June 8, 2019
Hey. I've been there. My family sucks too. I found a reason to live. Your situation is pretty common, you just got stuck with a bad family. Take it from me. My whole family hates me, but seeing the look on their face after they found out I was successful made it worth it to not commit. There are 9 billion people in the world and you're worried about what a few people think of you? Who cares if they're your family!? You didn't ask to be born!
NoUserNameAvailable said on May 24, 2019
I hate my entire family, save for my Mother. They are nothing but emotional vampires that only come around when they want or need something. They suck and I get tired of anytime that we get an opportunity to do anything for downtime here they come. Today was the last straw and if I hear anything from them they are going to meet the new 'filterless' me. So if they didn't like me in the past, the hate will be mutual from now on.
ManOfReason said on June 1, 2019
June is pride month. Honestly, what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home, hotel room, or wherever they may be behind closed doors is their own business. There is no reason to deny them their constitutional rights. However why is it that this has to be pushed on children? Seriously. Leave kids out of this. I’m just as appalled about overtly sexual content between men and women. Keep it all away from little kids. For fucks sake let them get to that stage on their own.
meepmoop said on June 2, 2019
Just found out an old best friend has cancer. not sure how to feel about it as she cut me out of her life, but i still care and it hurts!
sadandalone said on June 2, 2019
I’m so sick and tired of being alone. It’s been two years since I’ve been in a romantic relationship and it makes me sick. I want someone to have and to hold in my life. I want to feel that warm fuzzy feeling when you truly feel happy with a person. I want to hold someone’s hand for gods sake, just let me hold someone’s hand. I want to smooch someone late at night and make them feel light and like they’re flying in the air. I wish I could reignite that warm feeling inside of me.
bob the anon said on June 5, 2019
I feel like my wife either doesn't consider, or doesn't care about, my emotions. We were talking earlier and when I brought up the fact that what she said and how she said it sucked and made me feel like an idiot, she then proceeded to start going off about the whole thing again. Only after I turned around and very blatantly disengaged from the conversation did she manage the weakest, least sincere apology I think I've ever heard. It was added as an after thought, a footnote, a bare acknowledgment that she had in any way done something hurtful. Then she left the room went and laid down in bed and got on her phone. When I brought up the fact that she had just given me the limpest noodle of an apology she half heartedly repeated it, and said she was just frustrated. She'll probably end up cheating on me again. And that'll be the end of it, because I cant fourfive her again. I'm so tired of carrying all this weight and responsibility, she does her part, it just seems like my emotional wellbeing is an afterthought for her. I dont really have any friends to talk to about anything like this, so thanks random internet person if you've made it this far, for listening.
This isnt the first time things like this have happened either. I've been under a lot of stress at my new position lately, and she never asks about my day. She hasn't for awhile now. When I asked her to just hold me the other day, just to lay in bed and hold me for a bit she didnt. All I wanted was to feel some comfort, to just be held and pretend like I dont have the weight of the world on my shoulders for a few minutes. She gets impatient and snippy with me over small things.
Paula said on June 6, 2019
Is it selfish to stop someone from killing themselves?
... said on June 8, 2019
Great! I'm now in tears because I feel vaguely sick. Emetophobia is FUN!!!!!
Also my mum is depressed and anxious now and my boyfriend who I want to break up with is going through shit so I feel like an awful human being if I do leave him.
Wow life is fun. Also I'm depressed but everyone around me is too busy with their own problems to help me. And I'm in the middle of my exams!!!!!
I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Alexa The Eevee said on June 15, 2019
So I play Pokemon Showdown and I was going very good on Anything Goes. I won almost every round and I felt good. So about half an hour ago I decide to play a bit more and I have 5 round and lose every single one of them and I felt sad so I wanted to say that in a room to feel better but I couldn't because I needed to win a tournament and I don't know how to get in a tournament and I wanted to ask Smogon but I can't find their ask page so I started to cry because now I feel worse and thank God I found this site. It also said my account must be a week old and I officially registered a few days ago and I hope to God that is it.
Dorothy said on June 17, 2019
So I just found out that an ex-girlfriend of mine that lied, manipulated and stole from me is getting married to a great guy, got her kids back from the baby daddy and has a good above minimum wage job.
This is a girl that didn't even know me for a week was sending me nudes, stole money from me after a month, fucked two people behind my back (one for a bag of weed), turned me against a childhood friend because she said he tried to get her to have sex with him.
Meanwhile my life has turned to absolute dogshit; truck got repossessed, next truck's transmission blew out within the first month, got fired, my social anxiety went through the roof and didn't see my Dad for two years, Dad has a stroke and dies before I could say goodbye at the hospital, my health has suffered and all of my friends have abandoned me.
How the fuck is that fair in any sort of way? How is it justified that a lying, manipulative cunt of a woman gets everything in life? It's fucking bullshit.
... said on June 21, 2019
That moment when you apparently have ""bridging work"" to do over the summer so you basically don't have any actual free time to work on your dreams and when you get upset because of that and the fact you had a shitty day (and didn't even have time to EAT) your parents are total meanies and go on about how hard things were in "ThIeR dAy" and you're too emotionally exhausted to do anything so you spend all evening on Youtube because THAT'S GONNA MAKE THINGS BETTER!!!!!
And you guys remember THAT ONE JOURNAL ENTRY right? I said I didn't believe that things really would get better after the summer. Well, look! I called it! What a surprise, the whole "things will get better after the exams!!" mantra was totally a load of barnacles! As expected, "they" just told me that to get me to do what they want. Next year the workload is gonna get bigger (at the mo it looks like I have no choice but to do a load of subjects I hate!) and at the moment I have a load of work to do, AND this stupid challenge in about a week that I really don't wanna do, so you can forget all that stuff I said about having more time to work on my dreams! Fuck those, amiright? My future is looking SO bright at the moment!
… I've been trying to be less negative lately, but… I can't stop it any more! I've tried to be happy or at least look like I am, but things got even worse and… I've been trying to hold it in but I keep spilling! I wrote a whole load of stuff about my parents, but this status update is long as it is, so I'll try and keep it brief. Basically, I haven't been having a good couple of days…well, things haven't been "good" for a very long time, but anyway… I REALLY wanted to not let it on because I've learnt my lesson when it comes to talking to my family about… feelings… but today was the worst and I ended up trying to open up, and guess what?! Mum said I was "hormonal" and Dad just told me that A levels (THAT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO) are an "exciting adventure!" and five hours a week of homework would be "fun" and that I had the wrong attitude and that I didn't understand how hard it was for him and blah blah blah…
You know what I loathe most about him? the way he claims he "understands me", but literally hasn't the foggiest clue as to what's going on in my head. Like the way he said I was being manipulative when I was literally crying because I was upset and scared. Like the way I admitted I was really worried about some of my friends around when I was doing my GCSEs and he told me to "put that aside for now." Or forever. He wishes I was a robot. He wishes I wasn't born. See? This is why I can't stop spilling! There's no way out of this emotional hell.
I had a dream last night that I was yelling at my parents about my depression. I wonder how long it will be before that becomes reality, not that they'll take me seriously.
justme said on June 29, 2019
Where do I start? I feel sad everyday,I cry over the seemingly silliest shit,I get goosebumps all over my legs whenver I think about how empty I am and how unimportant I am to everyone in my life. It's like I'm watching from afar. Like this isn't my life,and like I don't do anything that matters. I feel like a joke,and I think about suicide often. I want to tell my psychologist,but I don't want her to hate me or tell my parents. I want to change my environment completely,but my parents want to legally keep me in the house till I'm 21. I feel disgusting and I think about how I look for hours a day,focusing on my face or my skin or my waist or my legs.. I avoid mirrors in my house to not cry,and I look for mirrors in public to try to look okay. I can't go to kendo practices anymore because I hate seeing myself in the full body mirror. I know I'm not fat,but I've gained weight. I want to be fine with how I look but my mom keeps reminding me that I've gained weight. She's makign me eat diet food,and keeps talking about how my sister lost weight eating it. My grandma pointed out in front of my grandpa and mom that "i don't wear jeans because they don't fit anymore,right?" I fucked up real bad with my parents 2 months ago and it's like they can't stop reminding me of it. It wasn't something I did to hurt them. It wasn't about them,but they want me to apologize to them when I can't even forgive myself for not feeling like it was wrong to do. I feel like a shit person. I can't go out without thinkign everyone is looking at me and judging how I look or how big my waist is or how oily my face is. I can't take selfies because I cry. People compliment me a lot and it makes me want to cry because they get angry at me for not accepting their compliments. they think i do it for attention,but i feel like saying thank you would be agreeing and i really don't fucking agree. i didn't want to get birth control… but my parents pressured me into it and now all of my periods last longer and hurt like a bitch. I've done some things,cool productive things,and I've been proud of myself and i find that my first instinct is to call my mom to tell her about it,but somehow she alwasy manages to say something like "that's what you shuold be doing,not ____. we all told you this before" and turns it into a scolding and makes me feel disappointed at myself and ashamed that i even did anything. then i feel ashamed that i went to her for approval.
whogivesashit! said on July 1, 2019
I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve gone to therapy for my entire life and have had medications all across the board. And I can muster the fake emotion to care or know I should care. But I don’t. And as each day passes, I lose any ability to keep up showing emotion. I’m not sad, I’m nkt happy, I’m not angry. I’m nothing at all.
I don’t feel anything for achievements or failures…it doesn’t matter at all.
I know I won’t ever be loved and I can’t give anyone else love.
All the things I’ve trained myself lack emotion. I don’t care.
I kept trying to peg everyone else as the enemy for so long, but in reality it’s me who doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive.
I can’t live a life of feeling nothing. I want to kill myself and end this nothingness. I don’t contribute anything I can care about and I just feel so little. I used to be scared that I would care barely at all, but I can’t even feel that anymore.
I’m sure it would be shocking to many people because I can keep up the facade.
But fuck this. Fuck all this shit. It doesn’t matter and no one even notice I’m gone. At least when I go, I seriously won’t feel guilt of not feeling anything.
UnionBuster69 said on July 6, 2019
I’ll never stand in solidarity with unions. Fuck you all.
BootlegCopics said on July 9, 2019
So, who knew getting an internship was so nerveracking? I've already done it once but now I'm working through my summer holiday to try and find my final internship before I graduate. That's all I have to do. No exams to plan for or anything but now I'm suddenly feeling that impostor syndrome creeping up again?
It doesn't help that my classes didn't really do that much for me so I don't feel like I've learned much of anything. Makes me feel like I'm wayyy under what is expected (espeially since newer students get better education. trust me, our portfolios are public)
I can't not get an internship and time more time off to breathe because guess what, a bitch already took a half-year break.
I have the worst phone anxiety but tomorrow I gotta start calling or else we'll likely be waiting for a reply until september.
Btw the reason this is so heavy on me is because my mom will actually kick me out if I don't get a degree. I'll have disappointed her enough (after all if you're tattooed and a dropout for a college you didn't learn much from in the first place you're obviously a failure to society and a delinquent and can never make a living) and then I'll be living with a nice college debt that I can't pay off without some crushing fulltime job and I swore to god that my mom paid off a 70k debt on her own while raising two kids so I wouldn't have to go in survival mode like that.
Aside from that all my life skills are either creative, basic as fuck, or socio/psychological from observation without a degree, so there's a lot going for me if I don't finish college. And like, I know it's a tricky as fuck path to make it doing anything creative at all, but goddamn it's probably the one thing I'm actually good for in this world.
someone unimportant said on July 14, 2019
I hate my life I and I wish I was dead. I am tired of people (and the internet especially) telling me how wonderful I am and that I am important I am. So before you type out how I should be grateful, happy, and just think good thoughts, please remember that is just one more push to the edge. My life doesn't belong to me; it belongs to you. I will stick around, work my crap retail job, smile and thank the people swearing at me, cheerfully put up with the scam artist that are the only people who reply to me on the dating sites, and keep making your life worth living. Just remember, I hate my hopeless life and am counting the days until God sees fit to end it and send me down to Hell.
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
Notify me of new posts by email.